Weekly Peace of Parenting

It can be so tempting to give our kids all the “answers,” especially when we see them struggling. Of course, as parents, we want to guide our kids, and sometimes, the fastest, easiest, and least energetic way to do that is to give them explicit directions. It makes sense why this is a tool we often reach for. But it’s generally not in the highest service to their growth and development. The trouble with guiding our kids with directions all the time is that it takes away opportunities for them to practice critical thinking, test their own limitations, and experiment with their own decision-making. It can also unintentionally signal to our kids that we don’t trust them or that they shouldn’t trust themselves. They may get used to relying on receiving directions as they grow. As adults, they may struggle to make their own decisions because they didn’t get the chances to practice with our support as kids. So this week, play with the idea of being your children’s MIRROR! Check it out below.

When children are in the middle of experiencing a big feeling, they are not able to access their prefrontal cortex and higher executive functioning. This means that moments of big feelings are NOT the moments to solve any problems or teach any lessons. In these moments, our children are asking us to show up with our full presence and unconditional love and support. When our children are met with our calm understanding, empathy, and acceptance, then they can fully melt into their feelings. Letting our children fully feel their feelings without judgment, fixing, or punishment is a gift to their nervous systems and to their development. As Dr. Daniel Siegel says, “Feel it to heal it.” We can teach the lessons later. We can talk about the behaviors later. This moment is the moment to lean in, love them at their “worst,” show them it’s okay to make mistakes and offer our deepest level of security and presence. By cultivating safety, trust, and support in our relationships with them, we unlock our children’s highest potential to learn and grow in the many moments to come.

I learned to stop yelling pretty early on in my parenting journey. I could see how it impacted my kids. But that doesn’t mean I stopped expressing anger in ways that weren’t exactly healthy. I stuffed it in and down. I trained myself to speak quietly. Years later, my kids told me my eye would do this twitchy thing… and that it was “terrifying”(shared in a way that was more about playfully poking fun at me than anything else.) We get to get angry as parents. Of course, we are going to get angry as parents! AND… What I eventually learned was that in order to be congruent (meaning my insides matched my outsides), I had to let my anger out in a healthy way versus holding it in…. We can’t hide our inner truths from our kids. They are highly attuned to our vocal tone, facial expressions, and body language. When we are saying or acting in ways that aren’t a match with what our children pick up on, we chip away at trust and safety. We call this CONGRUENCE. Check out this week’s Parenting Tip to learn one of our favorite tools. Your kids are so very capable of understanding. And while they can’t read our minds… they can absolutely read our bodies.