What is Emotional Self-Regulation in Parenting?

How does being emotionally self-regulated as a parent contribute to self-regulation in kids?

As a parent, your ability to regulate your emotional state plays a crucial role in shaping your child's emotional development. Here are some ways that being able to do this as a parent can contribute to self-regulation in kids:

• Modeling: Children learn a lot by observing and modeling their parents' behaviors. When you model these skills, your child will see how you handle difficult emotions and learn to follow your lead.

• Emotional Stability: You are less likely to be reactive in your emotional responses. This emotional stability creates a sense of safety for your child, and they will be less likely to feel overwhelmed by their emotions.

• Communication: You can better communicate your feelings and needs effectively. This environment creates a positive environment for communication, and your child will learn how to express their emotions healthily.

• Positive Reinforcement: You can positively reinforce your child's attempts at regulating their emotions. Supporting and encouraging your child to try different healthy coping mechanisms strengthens the importance of emotional regulation.

All of these elements set the foundation for your child to develop their emotional regulation skills. Your child can learn healthy ways to cope with difficult situations through modeling, emotional stability, effective communication, and positive reinforcement.

What is the key to emotional self-regulation?

Actively engaging our highest, wisest adult skills in relationships with our kids means finding ways to regulate our nervous systems. This engagement happens more easily when we are in the state of what psychologist and neuroscientist Dr. Stephen Porges calls “social engagement,” or the “green zone,” translated by Dr. Mona Delahooke. 

Social engagement is the brain-body state accessed when we feel safe connecting to our child and environment. Even if there are times of stress, tension, chaos, and tantrums galore, we have a felt sense that “we can handle this.” 

The part of our nervous system responsible for our engagement in a safe, secure social system is our vagus nerve. It's a sophisticated pathway that carries signals from our brain stem into our heart, lungs, and intestines. The nerve balances and monitors some of our facial muscles. It also supports our ability to actively and deeply listen to another person.

Interestingly, our vagus nerve is strengthened through a consistently warm, attuned, and nurturing infancy and early childhood. We might have a low “vagal tone” or an underdeveloped vagus nerve if we lacked warmth, attunement, and compassion in infancy and childhood. Calming our heart rate, lowering our blood pressure, and softening our body toward connection with our kids may seem strenuous when it’s not innate in our neurobiology.

When our heart rate and breathing have space and the ability to slow down, we can “rest and digest,” allowing our blood pressure to drop. Our biology responds to a slow heart and low blood pressure as if there is no threat, we can relax, and we can be entirely present for connection because there is no danger.

What are some self-regulation techniques?

Some strategies for emotional self-regulation in parenting include mindfulness practices, such as deep breathing or meditation, seeking social support from friends or family, taking breaks when needed, and practicing positive self-talk.

Building up and strengthening our vagus nerve or vagal tone is a biological responsibility for power-with parents who want to increase their self-regulating ability. You can think of this as a biological tuneup, allowing your nervous system to practice activating your vagus nerve during times of stress, internally or externally.

Here are ways to strengthen your neurobiological system, according to Stanley Rosenberg and his book, Accessing the Healing Power of the Vagus Nerve:

• The Basic Exercise: Lie on your back, interweave fingers on both hands and place them behind your head. Without turning your head, look to the right. Remain here until you spontaneously yawn or swallow. Return to the neutral state with your head and eyes straight. Repeat on the other side.

• The Half-Salamander Exercise: Sit comfortably and allow your eyes to look right without turning your head, then tilt your head to the right towards your shoulder. Hold for thirty to sixty seconds, then allow eyes and head to return to neutral. Repeat to the left side, returning to your natural position.

Other ideas we love:

• Cold Exposure: Purposefully lowering your body temperature can activate and stimulate your vagus nerve. Some examples of how to do so are cold showers, splashing your face with cold water, or running your hands under cold water. You can also chew on ice or have popsicles on hand. 

• Deep and Slow Breathing: Breathe deeply and slowly into your diaphragm; aim for six breaths per minute. 

• Laughing, Singing, and Positive Self-Talk Out Loud: Self-initiated laughing, singing, or using positive self-talk are cues to your body that you're safe and it is okay to relax.

• Vulnerability and Connection: The more safe and deeper-than-surface level conversations and connections we collect and immerse ourselves in, the more neurobiologically nurtured we are. Find one or two people you trust to listen deeply to you without fixing, diagnosing, or distracting you away from your feelings and your body.

Emotional regulation promotes healthy communication, which helps family members communicate effectively and respectfully, even when upset or frustrated. This healthy communication allows them to constructively express their thoughts and feelings, maintaining safety and connection.

Families who practice emotional self-regulation also have less conflict. Family members are less likely to become defensive, angry, or resentful in response to conflicts. Instead, they can approach disagreements calmly and constructively, working together to find acceptable solutions.

Family members' understanding and empathizing with each other's emotions strengthens emotional bonds. Parents and children who can express their feelings in healthy ways can better connect and support each other.

Emotional self-regulation is a keystone behavior that helps to create a positive, healthy, and supportive family environment where all members feel valued and respected. 

Focusing on increasing our ability to self-regulate has ongoing profoundly positive effects on our relationships in our families and everywhere else. It is truly an incredible gift to give our children and ourselves.

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