The Gentle Parenting Bust: Why We Need Empowered Parenting

In recent years, the parenting landscape has undergone a significant shift. The rise of gentle parenting, with its focus on emotional needs and nurturing, promised a kinder, more understanding approach to raising children. 

However, as we navigate this new terrain, many parents find themselves facing unexpected challenges. Our children, despite our best intentions, seem to be struggling more than ever.

The Gentle Parenting Paradox

The gentle parenting movement emerged as a response to authoritarian parenting styles of the past. It emphasizes emotional intelligence, empathy, and understanding. While these are undoubtedly crucial elements in child-rearing, we're now seeing the unintended consequences of an approach that may have swung too far in the opposite direction.

Consider these troubling trends:

1. Lack of motivation: Many children today struggle to find intrinsic drive and purpose.

2. Failure to launch: Young adults increasingly struggle to transition into independent living.

3. Difficulty handling conflict, setbacks, and failure: Our kids often crumble in the face of adversity.

4. Skyrocketing mental health diagnoses: Anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues are on the rise among youth.

5. Vulnerability to outside influences: Children seem more swayed by peers and social media than by parental guidance.

6. Increasing addiction rates: From technology to substances, addiction is a growing concern.

7. Over-reliance on medication and technology: We're seeing a worrying trend of pathologizing normal childhood behaviors, especially in boys.

One of our Jai Parenting Coaches is a college professor at The University of North Carolina. She shares that her inspiration to become a parenting coach stemmed from her role in the classroom, especially over the last five years. 

“I've witnessed firsthand the struggles of young adults who arrive on campus ill-equipped to handle the challenges of independent living and academic rigor. Many lack basic life skills and the resilience to navigate setbacks, leading to increased dropout rates and mental health crises,” she shares. 

The Inconsistency Trap 

One of the key issues with the current parenting landscape is inconsistency. Parents, in an attempt to be gentle and avoid conflict, often give in to their children's demands or tantrums. 

Picture a family trying to go out for dinner, only to cancel their plans when the kids start crying. Or a mother handing her iPhone to a child throwing a fit over candy in the grocery store checkout line. These well-intentioned actions send mixed messages and fail to provide the structure children need to develop self-regulation and resilience.

The New Normal: Essential Life Skills for Success

The world our children will inherit demands a unique set of skills:

• Emotional intelligence
• Resilience
• Risk-taking ability
• Dependability
• Personal responsibility
• Intrinsic motivation
• Communication skills
• Grit

However, in our effort to protect our children from discomfort, we're inadvertently denying them the opportunities to develop these crucial abilities. The painful experiences, failures, and consequences that we try to shield them from are precisely what they need to grow into capable, resilient adults.

Two Paths Forward

As we recognize the shortcomings of the current approach, we face a crossroads. There are two potential paths:

1. Revert to authoritarian parenting: This fear-based, controlling approach might yield short-term compliance but at a devastating cost to our children's self-esteem and our relationship with them. This is not the answer.

2. Evolve into Empowered Parenting: This approach combines the best of gentle parenting with the structure and guidance children need. It requires parents to invest in their own growth and development to become firm yet loving guides for their children.

The urgency of this choice cannot be overstated. 

Children grow up fast, and the sooner we address the gaps in their development, the better. If we don't take action, we risk raising a generation ill-prepared for the challenges of the modern world, lacking the values and decision-making skills necessary for success.

The Goal: Raising Strong, Empowered Kids

Our objective should be to raise children who are not just emotionally intelligent but also strong and capable. To build this strength, we must allow them to exercise the muscles of personal responsibility, compassion, and resilience. This means exposing them to discomfort, not shielding them from it.

Life is hard, and it's a marathon. We wouldn't expect someone to run a marathon without training, so why do we expect our children to navigate life's challenges without preparation?

The Truth Bomb: We Are the Obstacle

Here's a hard truth:

Often, we parents are standing in the way of our children's growth. Why? Because their discomfort makes us uncomfortable. We need to learn to feel peaceful, grounded, and comfortable through their discomfort, rather than rushing to rescue them from every challenge.

The Missing Piece: Empowered Parenting

So, what does empowered parenting look like in practice? Here are the key elements:

1. Realistic perception: We need to see our children clearly, without rose-colored glasses. Recognize their strengths, but also acknowledge their areas for growth and hold age-appropriate expectations.

2. Proactive teaching: Don't wait for a crisis to occur. Teach children the skills and values they need before they face significant challenges.

3. Natural consequences: Support children through the inevitable consequences of their actions rather than inflicting arbitrary punishments or protecting them from all negative outcomes.

4. Value cultivation: Intentionally identify, cultivate, and solidify the values and decision-making skills that matter to your family.

5. Growth mindset: Acknowledge where your children have "growth opportunities" and help them develop in these areas.

6. Emotional regulation: Develop the capacity to stay grounded and solid when your children face adversity. Your calm presence will help them navigate challenges more effectively.

7. Child-centered approach: Learn to parent based on your child's needs rather than your adult fears, nervous system agitation, concerns about appearances, or unresolved childhood issues.

Implementing Empowered Parenting

Transitioning to empowered parenting isn't easy, but it's crucial for raising resilient, capable children. Here are some practical steps:

1. Self-reflection: Examine your own parenting style and identify areas where you might be overprotecting or inconsistent.

2. Set clear boundaries: Establish and maintain firm, loving boundaries. Consistency is key.

3. Allow for natural consequences: Resist the urge to rescue your child from every mistake or challenge. Use these as learning opportunities.

4. Teach problem-solving skills: Guide your child through challenges rather than solving problems for them.

5. Encourage independence: Gradually increase responsibilities and freedoms as your child demonstrates readiness.

6. Model resilience: Show your child how to handle setbacks and disappointments in your own life.

7. Prioritize emotional intelligence: Continue to validate feelings while also teaching healthy ways to manage emotions.

8. Foster a growth mindset: Praise effort and perseverance rather than innate abilities.

9. Limit screen time: Encourage real-world experiences and face-to-face interactions.

10. Practice self-care: Invest in your own emotional well-being to be a stable, grounded presence for your child.

Parenting is our Greatest Responsibility… and Opportunity

The journey from gentle parenting to empowered parenting is not about abandoning empathy and emotional support. Instead, it's about finding a balance that also incorporates structure, guidance, and the opportunity for children to develop resilience through facing and overcoming challenges.

By embracing empowered parenting, we can raise a generation of children who are not only emotionally intelligent but also capable, resilient, and prepared for the complexities of modern life. It's a challenging path, requiring our own growth and development as parents, but the rewards – for our children and for society – are immeasurable.

Remember, it's never too late to shift your parenting approach. Every step towards empowered parenting is an investment in your child's future success and well-being. The time to act is now – our children's futures depend on it.

Meet Your Author, Kiva Schuler
Jai Founder and CEO

Kiva’s passion for parenting stemmed from her own childhood experiences of neglect and trauma. Like many of her generation, she had a front row seat to witnessing what she did not want for her own children. And in many ways, Jai is the fulfillment of a promise that she made to herself when she was 16 years old… that when she had children of her own, she would learn to parent them with compassion, consistency and communication. 

Kiva is a serial entrepreneur, and has been the marketer behind many transformational brands. Passionate about bringing authenticity and integrity to marketing and sales, she’s a sought after mentor, speaker and coach.