Taking Steps Toward Becoming a No-Yelling Parent

Yelling is a common parenting tool we sometimes use to communicate with our kids. While not an ideal form of communication, it makes sense why we sometimes yell. In this article, we will explore WHY we yell at our kids, the psychological effects of yelling at your child, and some steps you can take toward becoming a no-yelling parent.

Why Are Parents Yelling?

For many parents, the act of yelling comes on suddenly and violently. It’s like something takes over us, and suddenly, we are yelling without conscious control. This lack of control can leave us feeling guilty and confused about how to break the pattern.

If we could look under the yelling and into our bodies, hearts, and minds, we would find the feelings and needs that we are experiencing.

Some common examples: 

• Feeling overwhelmed by the moment and needing a break
• Feeling out of control and longing for control
• Experiencing guilt and fear of failing as a parent
• Feeling angry at the situation, kids, or ourselves (and sometimes blaming)
• Triggered by stories in our minds like “Why can’t my kids just listen?” or “My kids are being disrespectful,” or “My kids need to learn how to do this right now,” or “Is their resistant behavior my fault? Am I doing something wrong in my parenting?”

These underlying feelings and experiences sometimes happen below the surface of our awareness, so they can be hard to identify in the moment. Our ability to identify these depends on how in tune we are with our body, emotional intelligence, communication skills, and maturity. And our abilities depend on our childhood experiences. As kids, were we encouraged to identify our feelings? Were we given time and support to practice identifying and expressing our feelings and needs in healthy and positive ways? For many of us, the answer is no, which means we get to practice and cultivate these skills now. 

Identifying, feeling, and expressing our underlying feelings and needs is important. However, yelling as a tool for expression is an unskilled and immature form of communication. Yelling does not effectively communicate what we need. Instead, it demonstrates power and fear and reflects our lack of safety and inability to be a sturdy leader in that moment. Yelling may create fear and obedience in children, but it does not help them learn lessons, build skills, or make them want to respect us as their parents. It often leaves them feeling unheard and unseen.

When we repeatedly yell at our kids, we create a family culture where yelling is how we get what we need. Most of us can agree that we don’t want our kids to be out in the world yelling at others to get what they need. We want our kids to find the balance of collaborating, identifying their feelings and needs, and communicating with maturity, grace, and leadership. These goals for our kids cannot be “taught” with lectures. The work begins with us as we practice these skills, mature, and embody the leadership we wish to see for our kids in the future. We are the leaders of our family.

The Psychological Effects of Yelling at a Child

Every parent loses their cool sometimes, but chronic yelling has long-term damaging effects on our kids. These effects include increased risk for depression, anxiety, and conduct problems (see study here). 

Immediately after being yelled at, you may notice your child suffering from short-term effects, including becoming more aggressive, anxious, or withdrawn. If the parent offers no repair attempt or humility after yelling, the child begins to internalize the situation as their fault and starts questioning their self-worth. In the long term, children who are chronically yelled at develop low self-esteem and a negative view of themselves (see study here). These effects last into adolescence and young adulthood (see study here). 

How Do I Control My Anger Towards My Child?

Yelling is often associated with feelings of anger and frustration. Anger is an important feeling for us as humans, but it is misunderstood by many. Our society tends to think negatively about anger. Ask someone what they think of anger, and they will tell you it “is scary,” “can hurt other people,” and “is bad.” The misinformation on anger and its importance comes from a faulty assumption that anger and aggression are synonyms. Anger is not aggression. Aggression is sometimes how we express our anger, but there are healthier ways to express anger that can be learned.

Suppressing anger is not helpful because anger has important messages for us. Anger tells us when something is not right, it helps us get in touch with our needs, and it gives us the energy to create boundaries and protect ourselves, our families, and our communities.

With practice and commitment, we can learn to feel anger, understand its wisdom, and express it in ways people can understand and respect. You can begin this practice by noticing when you get angry and how anger feels in your body, tuning into what you need to shift and change, using breathing and mindfulness techniques to regulate, and communicating non-violently and consciously. This awareness is stated simply, but it takes time and energy to learn these tools and to practice and integrate them. 

What Is No-Yelling Parenting, and How Do You Discipline a Child Without Yelling?

Contrary to historical popular belief, discipline is not about power or control. Power and control can be used to discipline, but the results will be an obedient child who listens to authority, makes themselves small, and would rather keep the peace than stand up and advocate for healthy and positive change. 

Discipline Is Leadership

Think about your best and worst bosses. How did they treat you? The ones who held their power over you and yelled at you – how motivated did you feel to be part of their team?

What about the bosses who saw your potential, cared about what you had to say, and led the team through conscious and empowering communication? Which boss did you learn more from? 

As adults, when we don’t respect our leaders, we often feel resentful, rebellious, and even cruel because we are unseen and unheard in our own needs. How do you think kids feel with parents who hold power and control over them?

Discipline CAN be rooted in connection, collaboration, inspiration, play, and creativity. Above all, discipline is really about a parent’s modeling and leadership. If you don’t want your kids to yell, learn to express yourself in ways other than yelling. Notice how hard it can be to change these behaviors and have empathy for your kids who are trying to practice communicating effectively with an underdeveloped brain!

Parenting has less to do with “telling your kids what to do” and corrections and punishments and much more about HOW you lead. How you lead them is how they will lead themselves and others as they grow. Model your imperfection and humility and show them how committed you are to working on yourself and your leadership. 

If you are humble and committed to self-growth, they will likely be too. 

How Do I Stop Yelling at My Kids and Take Steps Toward Becoming a No-Yelling Parent?

Becoming a no-yelling parent will take time, energy, commitment, and practice. The more you were yelled at as a child, the harder the process will be to become a no-yelling parent. We aren’t going for perfection here. We are going for small changes that move us toward the vision of where we want to be.

So, where do we start? We start with small steps and daily practices. Here are some ideas for small changes you can integrate into your daily life as you step towards the vision.

1. Create space between the feeling and the reaction

One of the first steps you can take is to practice creating space between the feelings of anger and frustration and your reaction and expression of the feelings (yelling).

Notice, “I am getting frustrated right now. In the next few moments, I could begin to yell.”

If you can notice your feelings rising and the yelling impulse before it happens, that is a huge leap. This awareness practice confronts the automatic habitual pattern and creates a pause to consider how you want to respond.

How many seconds can you go without yelling? Can you stare blankly at your child without knowing what to do? Can you be uncomfortable transitioning from a patterned response to something new? Do you notice the thoughts and stories that start to run in your mind and how they fuel your feelings?

2. Practice connecting with yourself

Every morning when you wake up, look at yourself before looking at your phone. How are you today? What did you dream about? How does your body feel today?

Do you have any areas of tension? What feelings are you experiencing as you first wake up?

This check-in might feel so different than anything you have done. Many of us haven’t been taught how to check in with ourselves, not just with a nice bath or spa day, but a daily practice of connecting with ourselves. If you practice connecting with yourself, you are so much more likely to know if you will yell long before that moment arises.

3. Take preventative measures

Many challenging parenting moments can be prevented through planning, expectation setting, and knowing what you and your kids are experiencing.

Use a journal or some paper to help your planning process. Start to observe for some days any patterns of where you are yelling. What is happening in those moments? Is there a pattern of yelling right before dinner? During bedtime struggles? After a long day at work? What measures can you put into place to help ease these moments before conflicts arise?

For example, where can you build in 10 extra minutes in preparation for those delays? Where can you have a family meeting to outline expectations for the weekend home together? Where can you mix up the bedtime routine to bring in more connection?

If you notice yourself thinking, “This feels like too much work. I am already so tired”. Take a pause. Where is that voice coming from? Is improving our relationships with our kids one of the most (if not the most) important things we can do in our lives? We are raising the future, after all. 

4. When you want to yell, SING or WHISPER instead

Yes, sing. Sing like an opera singer. Get crazy, loud, and silly. Let’s say you are about to yell: “FOR THE LAST TIME, PUT ON YOUR SHOES WE HAVE TO GO!!!!”... redirect that same impulse to scream and put it to a song with a melody. Don’t worry about how it sounds – it’s not a performance. Singing activates your Vagus nerve, which calms your nervous system. While singing, you express your anger while adding some play and connection. Your kids will pay attention. They might even laugh and then put on their shoes. 

If singing sounds too out of your comfort zone, try whispering. Whisper the exact words you would have yelled. Whispering engages everyone’s attention because it is different, and it requires silence to hear. It also signals safety to your nervous system and your kids. If you want a bonus tip, get eye level with your kids, whisper really slowly so they have to pay super attention, and add a smile. See what shifts.

5. Model Healthy Breaks

If you can’t access any other strategy but yelling, it’s time for a break. You can create a space in your home for calming or just bundle up on a couch with a blanket. Choose a spot that will make YOU feel good. Experiment with tools that will help you regulate and calm down.

Here are some tools you can consider using: music with headphones, sound dampening headphones for quiet, drinking a sip of water, breathing, meditation, self-massage, warm heating pad, putting on a song and dancing, taking a shower, or a short walk.

When it’s time for a break, tell your kids what is happening: “I am struggling right now, and I need a break. I will take a few minutes to be with myself and calm my body, and then I will be back so we can solve this issue together!”

Then take your break and enjoy. Come back when you are ready to engage with your kids in a healthier, more positive leadership expression. With this practice, you can model how to be imperfect, cultivate self-awareness, regulate your nervous system, and find your way back to love and connection.

Curious to learn more? Download our free guide: Why Parents Yell at Their Children & How to Stop the Cycle of Trauma

This is a FREE offering and a great place to get more tools and steps for your journey to becoming a No-Yelling Parent. 

Let’s get honest: breaking patterns and changing habits is never simple. It is hard. But we can get there with small steps, patience, practice, and commitment. If you would like additional individualized support, see our Directory of Parent Coaches. They can help bridge the gap between your current relationship with your child and your vision for your relationship.

Meet Your Author, Marissa Goldenstein

Marissa Goldenstein, a Jai Certified Master Parent Coach, is devoted to guiding parents toward mindfulness and joy in their parenting journey. Marissa demonstrates a proven commitment to innovative education, having a history as a co-founder of a visionary elementary school that focused on cultivating changemakers through curiosity, connection, and community. Leveraging her MBA and an MA in Experimental Psychology, she seamlessly integrates both business and human development insights into her coaching practice.

Beyond coaching, Marissa embraces mindfulness in her own parenting alongside her partner and their two sons, engaging in family dance parties and adventurous learning experiences whenever possible. http://marissagoldenstein.com