Navigating Differences: Co-Parenting When You Disagree About Peaceful Parenting

Parenting styles are deeply rooted in our beliefs, values, and personal experiences. Without intentional revision, they often reflect how we were raised and the parenting models we observed growing up (or our reaction to them). These styles can vary significantly from one person to another. Co-parenting with someone whose style clashes with your peaceful parenting practices can understandably create tension and confusion. 

Here’s the good news: Many of the approaches and skills you apply in peaceful parenting can be transferred in surprisingly helpful ways in these moments. Many of the principles of peaceful parenting apply to all our relationships; this one is no exception.

The first step in creating more possibilities for harmony in the scenario is to understand what your co-parent disagrees with when it comes to this approach. Getting caught in the back-and-forth debate of what we disagree on is easy. Still, to shift out of conflict, we must slow down and see if there is any common ground hidden beneath the words we are both using the fears we’re holding, and the needs and opinions we are defending.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself about where you are right now:

• Am I really clear on what aspect(s) of my approach my co-parent disagrees with and why?
• Have I really heard their feelings and concerns about this way of parenting so I can understand where they are coming from and what they need?
• Are there ways in which their approach to parenting has the same desired outcome or values as mine that we can build on?

Often, people hold inaccurate ideas about what peaceful parenting is. For example, many people mistakenly believe that peaceful parenting is permissive parenting. Here is an article written entirely about how peaceful parenting is NOT permissive parenting if that’s something you discover to be the root of confusion and conflict. 

The Challenge of Co-parenting with Different Styles

One of the primary challenges of co-parenting with different parenting styles is maintaining consistency for your child. When your child witnesses conflicting approaches between parents or households, it can lead to confusion and insecurity. For instance, if you emphasize peaceful parenting techniques, such as empowered communication and empathy, while your co-parent relies on more traditional or authoritarian methods, such as dominant parenting, it can create a sense of imbalance for your child.

Disagreements over parenting styles can also strain your relationship with your co-parent, making effective communication even more challenging. Resentment and frustration can build up, making it difficult to find common ground and work together in your child's best interest.

Continue to provide a safe space for your child to share anything they are experiencing as a result of the tension in your relationship with your co-parent. Speak openly with your child in an age-appropriate way. Create more security and understanding for them by validating their feelings and reassuring them of your love. Try to ensure your child doesn’t believe they are responsible for the tension in your relationship with their other parent or feel responsible for fixing it in any way.

Strategies for Co-Parenting Success

Open Communication

Empowered communication is key to navigating the challenges of co-parenting with different parenting styles. Non-violent communication, developed by Marshall Rosenberg, is a great framework. Schedule regular discussions with your co-parent to address concerns, share your perspective, and find common ground. Keep the lines of communication open, respectful, and focused on your child's well-being.

Focus on Shared Values

While your parenting styles may differ in some aspects, there are likely shared values that you both want to hold for your child. Identify these common areas and build on them. Emphasize the importance of love, respect, and understanding as shared values that can guide your journey in parenting together.

Get Curious

Try to look beyond some of the points of conflict to find the shared intentions. For example, a desire to have a child “behave” through power-over parenting or punishment can often be traced back to the hope that children will be successful in the world and get along with others. See if you can find some underlying desires in your co-parent and find ways to share with them that you have the same hopes, just a different way to achieve them. Even the most uncooperative co-parent probably shares some of your values.

Create a Coherent Parenting Plan

Develop a detailed parenting plan that outlines each parent and child's family values, roles, responsibilities, and expectations. This plan could include guidelines on communication, daily routines, and special occasions. A clear structure can help minimize conflicts and provide stability for your child.

Prioritize Your Child's Well-Being

Always keep your child's best interests at the forefront of your co-parenting efforts. Remember that your child benefits most when they have a loving and supportive relationship with both parents. Even if you disagree on parenting styles, ensure your child feels safe, loved, and respected in both households. Feeling frustrated about the situation is understandable, and getting support from friends, family, or professionals is important. Speaking negatively about the other parent (even in covert ways) to your child only adds increased stress to their experience.

Be Flexible

Flexibility is essential when co-parenting with someone who has different parenting styles. Be open to adapting your approach when necessary, especially if it aligns with your child's needs. Sometimes, you may need to compromise to maintain harmony and stability in your child's life. Naturally, this applies only to areas that will not harm your child.

Seek Professional Mediation

If communication with your co-parent becomes consistently challenging and unproductive, consider seeking professional mediation. A neutral third party can facilitate discussions and assist in finding compromises that work for both parties. Mediation can be a valuable resource in resolving disputes and improving co-parenting dynamics.

Self-Care

Remember to take care of yourself. Co-parenting can be emotionally draining, so prioritize self-care to maintain your own well-being. When you're feeling balanced and content, you're better equipped to handle the challenges that arise.

Trust Your Children (The hardest one)

When you are no longer in a relationship with your co-parent, the hardest thing to accept is that you have far less influence over their behavior than when you were a couple. (Or if you were never in a relationship, this is equally hard.)

Unfortunately, for some of us, that means that we have far less control over what happens to our children when they aren’t with us. Another unfortunate truth is that for some of our co-parents or former partners, the more we try to control their actions, behaviors, and choices, the harder they will dig into being “right.” 

As challenging as it sounds, unless there is physical or emotional abuse, and heartbreakingly in some circumstances, given the court system and bureaucracy of child protective services, there’s a truth we have to acknowledge: We can’t control another person even when we know the harm they can cause.

But we can trust our children. 

When we provide a safe space and keep a mature, emotionally intelligent, balanced, and supportive relationship with our children, we can allow them to discern how they choose to learn from their singular experiences. It’s SO hard, but having a home that is grounded in peaceful parenting DOES show our kids that less-than-kind communication and relationships are outside of the values that we hold dear. They will observe. They will learn. They will persevere… knowing that they are loved. 

Navigating co-parenting with someone who has different parenting styles is undeniably challenging. It requires patience, understanding, and commitment to meet your child's needs first. While disagreements and challenges may arise, remember that your child benefits immensely from having two loving and involved parents.

Open communication, a focus on shared values, and flexibility are your allies in this journey to developing a solid co-parenting relationship. Seek professional support through a parent coach, or explore parent coach training yourself to help you stay true to peaceful parenting and find new creative ways to support your child. Try mediation if necessary, and always prioritize your child's well-being. By approaching co-parenting with empathy and grace, you can provide your child with the stability, love, and support they need to thrive, all while staying true to your peaceful parenting values.

Meet Your Author, Katie Owen

Jai Business Coach & Marketing Mentor

As a former practicing therapist turned copywriter and marketing strategist, Katie is passionate about the intersection of marketing and mindset. Katie embodies the practices of taking the simple actions, consistently over time, that create epic results.

A master storyteller, Katie works with our coaches to refine their message, increase their visibility and get clients!