Ending the Relationship Between Anger and Yelling: Lessons Learned as a Parenting Coach

My son was about 5 years old, but I remember it like it was yesterday. It was one of those moments that you never forget as a mother. Like the first time your child walks, or talks... but this moment wasn't a milestone... at least not for him.

We were in the bathroom, getting ready for school, and per usual running late. Which meant I was annoyed and telling him (ok yelling at him) to hurry up!!!! He looked straight at me with his beautiful brown eyes and said, "Mommy, I don't like it when you yell at me."

Are you crying too or just me? Talk about a wake up call.

I was so taken aback. I was so shocked. I was devastated and pretty much felt like the WORST MOM EVER!!!!! And just to clarify, I wasn't shocked that he didn't like to be yelled at... that made sense, but that he could articulate that at his age. And I was taken aback because I grew up in a house where yelling was normal. It's just something we did and I really didn't think twice about it.

And if you're a parent reading this, then you can surely understand the devastation part. No explanation needed there.

Well, that was enough of a wake up call for me. This was not okay. I needed to figure out a better way. I asked for help from a very established and well known parenting guru in Los Angeles. We set up a private session. I don't think I will ever forget the look of disgust on her face when I told her the story.

She then proceeded to help me. Her advice to me: Make a promise that you will never yell, because of course I told her I would never break a promise. Ok, I said... I promise NOT to yell! It was settled.

Well, that lasted a short while. I couldn't help it. I tried. I REALLY did but it wouldn't "stick." Of course there was always a reason; I was stressed, I was tired, my husband was gone, they deserved it, they weren't listening... if they would only LISTEN (I pleaded to myself).

Because at that point, I believed it was them not me; I believed it was all the external things in my life... nothing within me. So even my apologies were awful... something like... "I'm sorry, but..." Honestly, it makes me sick to think about now. How could I ever blame my sweet little beautiful children for MY anger?

Unfortunately the advice I got was just not helpful. "Just stop." "You know it's wrong so don't do it." "You're hurting them so don't yell." "You don't want to hurt your kids right???" OF COURSE NOT!!!

So I tried to "just stop." I tried to make images in my head of how damaging it is to our relationship when I yell. I would picture a wall built of love, communication and connection and then my anger and yelling would come and in like a wrecking ball and demolish it... pretty impactful image right? But it still didn't do the trick. It helped but I had a long way to go.

This blog post has been percolating in my head for about 10 years... since that day in the bathroom with my son. My working title was "Anger; What is it Good For?" Surely, there was no need for anger. I could not think of a situation in which anger was helpful. Certainly we all need to abandon our anger, ignore it, banish it... right?!?

Wrong!!!!! Anger is one of six primal emotions (the others are grief, joy, fear, surprise and disgust). It is primal, it's instinctive. Basically, it's not going away, at least not by the above mentioned methods. What is anger good for...? Well, as it turns out... a lot. 

Anger is there to send us a message. It's there to tell us something is not right. It's there to say a boundary has been crossed and you're not okay with it. It's there to say you have a need that's not being met. Yes, anger is important. But that is no excuse to yell at my kids or anyone for that matter.

Anger is my cue to look within and figure out what is going on with me. It's not a time to blame others and act out, it's a time to silently listen without judgment and figure out what I need that I'm not getting and why.

It was not until recently going through my parent coaching training that I learned all about why parents yell and how to stop, and it was mind blowing and liberating. Through my Jai Parent Coach Certification I realized why all the other advice I had gotten didn't work. It never got to the root of the problem and it was based in shame.

I was made to feel shameful and guilty for feeling anger. I was never (not even as a child) met with empathy. And that is where the magic lies. As parents, we need to listen with empathy—to ourselves, to our loved ones, even to strangers. That is where we can feel the anger melt away.

So, am I "cured"...? Have I stopped yelling completely?

Not exactly but I do think I'm MUCH better.

And now when I yell, I apologize from my heart... no "if" or "but" follows the "I'm sorry." Just a sincere apology and an introspective look and listen to the message my anger is sending. I'm indeed a work in progress and probably always will be. I just hope to be better today than I was yesterday.

If you find yourself yelling at your kids, I truly hope to help you by sharing my story. These are not my proudest mommying moments but living in shame about this isn't the answer either. It's what we do going forward that matters most.