Why Spanking is Not Effective and Even Harmful

In this article, we will examine spanking as a parenting strategy. We will explore the history of spanking, present scientific evidence for why spanking is more harmful than effective, and offer suggestions for non-harmful and effective strategies. If you currently use spanking as a strategy, we invite you to read this article with an open mind and heart.

According to UNICEF, over 50% of parents are still using physical punishment as a strategy in their parenting, so you are not alone. There is no judgment here, just loads of compassion, curiosity, and love. Let’s dive in and find out: can spanking cause trauma?

History of Spanking

Spanking has been used amongst adults since the beginning of recorded history to “teach” children how to behave and be obedient. Even schoolhouses used paddles for their common spanking practices until they were abolished in 1970. Spanking has been a common practice everywhere until 50 years ago when we started examining its effectiveness.

That means many who are parents today were spanked as children. And we know that parenting strategies are passed on from generation to generation. Our ‘natural’ parenting instincts arise from the generational patterns we learned and experienced in our own childhoods. It can be hard to admit this and look at it. 

Many adults attribute their success and who they are today to their own parent’s choices, even if it included spanking and physical punishment. This is natural – kids are wired to attach to their parents and stay in connection with them for safety. This is our attachment system, and it runs deep in our foundational wiring. It can be challenging to look at our parent’s choices and question them without feeling like we are “disrespecting” or being cruel to them.

However, untangling our childhood experiences and making sense of them is a required component of making conscious choices in our own parenting. And we can look at our parent’s choices with respect and gratitude while also seeking to understand how they affected us. All parents are doing the best they can with the tools they have at that moment. 

With that in mind, let’s look at spanking as a strategy…

Spanking is a punishment in the form of physical violence. It communicates (intentionally or not) to the child: “What you did was wrong, and now you will be punished. You deserve to be harmed and humiliated for your actions.” It often assumes malintent and doesn’t provide any “what to do instead” action or behavior.

Spanking also often comes with an intense parental reaction and feelings underneath the action, like anger or frustration. Dr. Edward Pickens says, “Discipline is not about punishment; it’s about setting expectations. The ultimate goal of discipline is to teach the child about appropriate behavior. Spanking teaches children that it is OK to hit others or to use physical force when you are angry”.

Spanking does not help teach a lesson. Instead, it instills fear into the child and exerts the control of the parent. It attempts to suppress behavior with no regard to the need that is underneath the behavior. Spanking does not support skill development or healthy communication of needs. After a spanking, a child does not feel motivated to do better. Instead, they likely feel terrified, sad, and alone.

This can cause trauma for a child, especially if left alone after having been physically harmed by their caregiver. They likely feel confused about how to do something better next time because their behavior was automatic, driven by the nervous system, and happened without conscious thought. Most behaviors are expressions of deeper pain and longings that were expressed in an ineffective way. 

This is true even for adults and parents. When parents are spanking or punishing, they are often engaging in stress-reactive behavior. Underneath the behavior is a deeper longing to raise kids who “listen” and can be an effective member of society and a fear that they won’t if they continue to exhibit this behavior.

Parents who spank don’t have an intention to raise angry and aggressive children. Yet, their behavior of spanking is modeling that it’s ok to be aggressive and to punish someone when you don’t agree with what they have done. 

Can you feel that misalignment between our parenting intention and our parenting behavior? We ALL have these misalignments as parents and humans. We all have times when our intentions don’t match our actions. As adults and leaders of our home, it is our responsibility to become aware of these gaps, look with humility and curiosity, and take time and energy to learn and practice bridging the gaps.

Looking at the bigger picture, we can see that spanking as a strategy operates under the belief that humans need to be taught how to be good. That without consequences and harm, humans would all be bad and evil. As a society, we have come to believe that humans need punishment to “learn” from their behaviors and actions. We have come to believe that humans need to be controlled and suppressed to create a functioning society. Again, this is passed on generationally through families and world leaders. 

We live in exciting and hopeful times as we make advancements in technology, communication, and science, expanding our understanding of the world. We are growing in our capabilities for performing scientific experiments and asking big questions that can begin to be answered with data. We are becoming more aware and curious about the ways we have built the foundations of our society. 

The more we research human development, attachment, and parenting, the more we see that we do not need more punishment. We need more love and compassion. Less judgment and more curiosity. Underneath all the messiness of being human (and the many layers of defensiveness, denial, and avoidance), we are all tender, loving, and inherently good. We are all humans who long to be loved and respected in our humanity. Any resistance to that statement is likely a defense mechanism and strategy to keep us safe.

The Harmful Consequences of Spanking

Now, we are going to dive into some research on the harmful and traumatic effects of spanking and answer the question: is being spanked as a child traumatic?

In a 2021 Harvard article written by Jill Anderson, she explains that newer research shows that spanking alters the brain in the same negative ways that severe mistreatment like sexual abuse does. It also “increases the health of mental health issues.” 

Dr. Gwen Dewar explains that research suggests that “spanking increases a child’s risk of becoming more antisocial and distressed” and “kids are also more likely to develop a negative relationship with their parents.” 

A 2021 study by Dr. Anja Heilmann and colleagues found clear and compelling evidence that physical punishment does not improve children’s behavior and instead makes it worse. Alternatively, setting limits and boundaries can have a profound effect on your child’s well-being. 

In a meta-analysis that looked at 75 studies spanning 50 years of research, Dr. Elizabeth Gershoff explained, “Spanking is not linked with long-term compliance or internalization of morals. Instead, spanking is linked with worse, not better, behavior in children. In our meta-analyses, we found that spanking was associated with significantly more aggression and antisocial behavior problems. None of the studies showed a link between spanking and better behavior.” In addition, they found a correlation that “the more children are spanked, the more likely they are to defy their parents and experience increased anti-social behavior and other difficulties.” 

In a 2012 study by Dr. Durrant and Ron Ensom, they found that even a child watching a video of another child being spanked elicited aggressive behaviors in play after the video. They explain: “Physical punishment is associated with a range of mental health problems in children, youth, and adults, including depression, unhappiness, anxiety, feelings of hopelessness, use of drugs and alcohol, and general psychological maladjustment.”

In a 1999 study by MacMillian et al., researchers found that adults who had been spanked and slapped as kids had high lifetime rates of anxiety disorder comparable to those with sexual abuse and other “more severe” types of physical abuse. 

Research has yet to find any positive benefits of spanking. Yet, it can be hard for parents to change their beliefs. This is true for all humans and beliefs. As we confront beliefs we carry  (like “spanking is effective”) with information that challenges the belief, it causes cognitive dissonance.

This experience can be emotionally painful as we face the guilt and grief from realizing that the strategy we have been using on the kids we love so much could actually be harming them instead of helping them. If you are someone struggling with this transition, know that you are not alone.

Many kids come with strong wills and big feelings. Others come with easy temperaments and go-with-the-flow attitudes. Kids are each unique and beautiful as they are. They don’t need to be punished or shaped to be all the same.

While strong-willed children are challenging for parents, many grow up to become leaders who challenge the status quo for the better. Instead of punishing children to conform to certain behaviors, we can invite more curiosity, skill development, communication, and modeling positive behaviors. 

Here's some food for thought…

When you feel suppressed, controlled, or even punished as an adult in a work environment, do you feel that you effectively integrate the lesson? 

Or do you feel like quitting? Reporting it to HR? Running away from that place? 

Spanking will communicate “you should be ashamed” and “it’s ok to be aggressive when someone does something you deem as ‘wrong.’ Imagine instead if you could… 

• get curious about your child’s behavior and their underlying needs and longings
• wrap your child in love
• get creative about solutions together
• support them through all the challenging moments of their life

These are some of the factors that will help our kids become resilient and joyful adults who can brave hard things. All while keeping your relationship intact so that your kids still come to you as adults for advice and maybe even a snuggle. 

It’s a very possible vision, and it requires dedication, practice, humility, and responsibility for one's own childhood experiences.

What can we do instead of spanking?

There are infinite possibilities for disciplining and leading our children. We are going to share a few ideas here to get you feeling creative, curious, and empowered.

1. Practice Regulating Yourself

The practice of emotional self-regulation is powerful for two main reasons: 1) you will have more control over choices in how you respond when you are stressed and activated, and 2) you will model this for your child/ren, who will begin to learn from your leadership.

Start by getting curious about nervous system science and Polyvagal Theory. There is abundant fascinating research showing the importance of our nervous system in every moment of our lives. Get intimate with your nervous system so you can become more aware, better understand your needs, define your boundaries so you don’t live in reaction and resentment, and become more compassionate for humanity.

2. Prioritize Co-Regulation

Kids 7 years old and under are completely dependent on us to help them regulate. The brain doesn’t develop the ability to self-regulate until later in life. Kids literally borrow our nervous system when they are activated. If we are activated right back at them, then they are stuck and cannot come back down to calm.

Saying “calm down” and telling them what to do while you yourself are activated and not calm is not working. The responsibility starts with us. We can practice slowing down. Breathing. Checking in with ourselves. 

What are YOU (parent) needing to calm down? An angry dance to a fast rock song? Pushing on a wall? Crying on the floor? You will learn what works for you the more you experiment and learn about your nervous system. As you learn about your nervous system, learn about your child’s too. When they are stressed, do they like to be touched or not? Do they like music? Crying? Being active with their body? Approach yourself and your kids with a curious mind.

All kids respond to a calm presence. It may take time, but a regulated, calm, and loving presence will help them regain their calm. This practice takes time to master, and it is a worthy skill to build—for yourself, for your family, and for the world.

3. Set Boundaries with Love

So many of us are used to waiting to set boundaries until we are steaming with resentment and stories in our minds telling us we have been “violated.” So, we make other people the villains - even our kids sometimes. We flail and yell in defense and protection as we grasp for our power and control back.

But we can stop blaming and start setting boundaries more proactively. We can better know ourselves to predict what might trigger us and help us get ahead of it. We can discuss expectations and collaborate on proactive solutions. We can discuss what happened in challenging moments with love and curiosity.

We can reimagine boundaries from hard walls that cut people out to loving limits. “I love you” and “no” can fit in the same sentence. We can hold love and compassion for another as we fiercely define our own boundaries. We don’t have to yell to be heard. We don’t have to spank to make sure our kids hear our lesson. That’s a childhood wound we may have learned in childhood, and it’s our responsibility to nurture those so we can make room for more creativity. 

4. Host Family Meetings

Have family meetings for important things like vacations, outings, and times when challenging behaviors might arise. Set expectations. Make plans. Discuss things that could go wrong and brainstorm ideas for how to get through it together as a family. Review and practice. Role-play. Let’s empower and encourage our kids, not shame them and leave them alone to figure it out. 

And if all goes wrong anyway…have another discussion to process it together! Model humility and responsibility. What will you all do next time? Strive for better together as a family. And when it goes all right, celebrate team success!

5. Model Repair

When you mess up as a parent, say sorry. Be specific. Say what you will do differently next time. In my family, I ask my kids, “Can I have a rewind?” I rewind the moment and have them play out their parts again. I play out the way I would rather have acted. They giggle and smile as they watch me practice my part. The more you repair and model humility, the more your kids will.

And above all, strive for unconditional love. How much love and compassion can you show your kids when they are in a deep struggle and hard moment? If you refuse to show them love because they behaved “badly,” that is called conditional love. “I will only love if you act lovable.”

This is what creates wounds in childhood that form into adult anxiety, fears around connecting with others, and conditional marital relationships. The patterns continue until someone has the courage to look at it, feel the pain, and embrace something new.

Can you separate your child’s behavior from the goodness of their heart?

Can you see your child’s behavior as signals for what skills need development and what they could use some support with?

Can you assume your child always has good intentions but sometimes struggles (like every human on planet Earth)?

Do you see how we can be so much more creative than spanking to suppress behavior and to raise a better world?

Parenting can be done with more connection and heart and less control and fear. Together, we can lead our kids toward a more empowered and creative world.

How do we support others who use spanking as a strategy?

We always start with compassion and curiosity. As mentioned earlier and worth repeating, all parents are doing their best with the tools they have at that moment. We can lead with education around the research on the harmful effects of spanking, nervous system science, and child development research. And always remember—change is infinitely possible. We can hold hope in the darkest moments when parents don’t feel capable of change. We can encourage and empower them and gently hold them through. 

To change patterns, we need fierce courage, strength, determination, and resilience. We also need honesty, humility, and vulnerability. We need to feel our feelings, especially fear and grief. We need to learn to trust and let go of control.

You dream of a better world, and I do too. Let’s take small steps each day. Let’s celebrate the beauty that surrounds us and cry for the suffering and the hard moments. We are in this together.

For more information and resources on spanking and alternatives: https://www.jaiinstituteforparenting.com/resources#SpankingResources

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Meet Your Author, Marissa Goldenstein

Marissa Goldenstein, a Jai Certified Master Parent Coach, is devoted to guiding parents toward mindfulness and joy in their parenting journey. Marissa demonstrates a proven commitment to innovative education, having a history as a co-founder of a visionary elementary school that focused on cultivating changemakers through curiosity, connection, and community. Leveraging her MBA and an MA in Experimental Psychology, she seamlessly integrates both business and human development insights into her coaching practice.

Beyond coaching, Marissa embraces mindfulness in her own parenting alongside her partner and their two sons, engaging in family dance parties and adventurous learning experiences whenever possible. http://marissagoldenstein.com