There isn’t anything that more effectively sends a parent's nervous system into chaos than when their formerly sweet, caring, and *mostly* charming child’s behavior deteriorates into a new expression of anger, acting out, or hurting siblings or other children (with words or bodies). 

We get scared. We wrack our brains for where we went wrong. We begin to wonder if something is wrong with our child. Of all of the challenges we face as parents, this is one of the biggest parenting issues—when our child’s behavior suddenly changes we feel helpless. We don’t know what to do. 

My two children are 18 months apart in age and were sweet and tender with each other from the get-go. Sure, they had (and still have!) their squabbles, but we got through them. My son, Myles, is the elder of the two, and he’d always loved and cared for his baby sister.

Until one day, when he was in the second grade… his behavior changed. Swiftly and dramatically. 

He started being really physically aggressive with her. He wouldn’t share. He would put his little face in her little face and just scream. His friends stopped wanting to come over for sleepovers. 

When I pressed a friend about what was going on, she shared that her son was scared of Myles. Gulp. I remember feeling shocked, scared, and worried. It was gut-wrenching. 

As the founder of The Jai Institute for Parenting, I was aware of one of our guiding truisms: All behavior is an expression of a need and whether that need is met or unmet. 

But what had changed? Because from my perspective, nothing really had. He hadn’t changed schools. Things were stable at home. I felt myself slipping into the internal language that I know so many parents experience… wondering in my quiet thoughts whether my sweet boy was turning into an aggressive boy. I secretly wondered if this “was just who he was.” 

Understanding my son's behavior

One of the biggest tools we bring to bear as parenting coaches is inviting our clients to get curious rather than jump to conclusions. Remembering this, I started to really focus on what was going on with my son. 

• Were there times of day when his behavior would escalate? 
• What environments were the most challenging for him? 
• What patterns could I recognize? 

I began to notice that he was particularly aggressive after school and made some calls. His second-grade teacher had a great reputation, and I remember being so excited learning that Myles would be in her class. She was pregnant but was due to be in the classroom until late spring. When I called the school I found out that she’d been having some complications and that a substitute had been in the classroom for the last few weeks. I asked if I could come observe. 

One Tuesday morning, I spent a couple of hours in his classroom. The substitute teacher was young. She’d never had her own classroom before. There were 32 kids in the class. It was mayhem. And every time she turned her back, I watched a little girl push my child. Myles looked defeated. He appeared scared. But he didn’t say anything or ask for help. 

Myles was getting pulled out of class for Math at the time, and so my plan was to leave when he left for his session. When he got pulled out for his Math group, a few children made faces at him. They made fun of him for being “stupid math boy.” It was heartbreaking. 

It all made perfect sense. If he was feeling powerless at school, of course, his reaction would be to exert power in an environment he could control. 

I called the principal and shared my concerns, but after another couple of weeks, it was clear that this situation was not going to resolve itself. And then I found out that his teacher would not be returning to the classroom that year. I made a bold decision to pull him from school. 

I found a sweet Montessori school on a farm where both of the kids could spend more time outside than in, and begged the head of the school to make space for us. 

(Sidebar: That decision is also a big reason we are all here at The Jai Institute for Parenting. Because I had to figure out how to pay for said Montessori school. But that’s another story for another day. You know what they say… “necessity is the mother of all invention!”) 

Anyway, I remember a neighborhood mom saying to me at the time “you know, it’s going to be the same situation at his new school. Myles is who he is.” 

It felt like being kicked when I was already down. But I reminded myself that what other people thought about my children, and the choices we made as a family were none of my business ;) 

Full of hope (and a good jolt of faith) off we went to the first day of our new school.

When I picked the kids up in the afternoon, they were both beaming. But here’s what happened that cracked my heart open: 

Charlotte, my daughter, simply asked Myles if she could have some of his water. He passed her the thermos. “Sure!” 

Tears started streaming down my face. I remember describing this moment to their dad. “It was like he was a wilted piece of celery before, and we put him in a glass of cold water.” In that simple act of sharing without any escalation, I knew we’d turned a corner.

There was my sweet, kind boy. He was back. 

When I imagine this scenario differently, wondering what would have happened if I didn’t have access to the work of Jai, the consequences would have been devastating. 

Myles would have been granted an identity that might have followed him for life. He’d be assigned a role that he didn’t choose, and his anger and rage would have continued to escalate. He’d most likely start to hate school and learning. He’d struggle to make friends, and feel incredibly misunderstood, leading to resentment and bitterness. 

Thankfully, none of this is the case. He is a sensitive, caring, confident and responsible 17 year-old. He was not defined by his behavior. He was supported through his behavior. 

With the power of hindsight, I can appreciate the fork-in-the-road moment this was for the future of my child. 

Children do not have the ability to communicate the circumstances that are influencing their behavior. Their behavior is the communication. 

And so our job, as peaceful parents, is to listen. 

Here are three powerful lessons that I hope you take from this story: 

1. Embrace curiosity instead of jumping to conclusions

Resist the urge to create conclusions about the meaning of your child’s behavior (i.e. they are a “bad kid”) and try to understand what is happening in their world that is influencing their behavior.

Become aware of changes that they are navigating: 

1. Environment: Has something changed at school or home? 
2. Social/Relational: Are there new people in their lives, or have relationship dynamics shifted within their friend groups? 
3. Mirroring: Is there more stress in the family – with you or a co-parent, spouse, or partner that the child is reflecting back to you? 
4. Behavioral: Is the child going through a leap in development, resulting in a normal and expected period of transition? 

 
Additionally, try as best you can to block out others’ assumptions, conclusions, and labels. We live in a culture that loves to name things. It gives people a nice hit of dopamine when they are “right.” But believing other people when they try to label our child doesn’t help our child, and can exacerbate the stress and worry we already feel. 

2. Claim your rightful place as your child’s advocate and guide

Follow your intuition as a parent to make any changes possible that might lessen the impact of the underlying cause of their change in behavior, embracing the mindset that “this too shall pass.” Completely removing a child from an environment may not be possible, nor necessary in any given circumstance. But get creative about what might provide some relief.

Are there temporary accommodations or changes that you can advocate to allow your child time and space to normalize? Are there clear needs that child has that are not being met that can be resourced (i.e. earlier bedtimes for more sleep, or more 1-1 time with you for connection)? As Parent Coaches, it is a big part of our work to support parents in solution-oriented thinking. Ideally, parents play the role of advocate versus the role traditional parenting would say should be deployed when a child’s behavior deteriorates: disciplinarian. 

And again, try, as best you can, to not allow the opinions and beliefs of others to sway you from your decisions. You know what is best for your family. Don’t fall into the trap of allowing the judgment or past experiences of others to influence you.

This is why Parenting Coaches are so valuable! It isn’t our job to tell you what to do. It’s our role to support you to make the decisions you believe are the best for your family, and hold you lovingly accountable for following through on those decisions. 

3. Stay in consistent communication around boundaries and limits

Remain committed to the innocence of your child, while maintaining boundaries and limits through consistent, patient, and kind communication. Because here’s the deal; If something is happening in our child’s inner or outer world that is so disruptive to them that it is causing these kinds of behavior changes and we meet them with anger, shame and punishment then we are the ones doing the proverbial kicking while they are down.

(Ouch. I know.) 

We unintentionally perpetuate and worsen the inner world of our child, just when they need our compassion and empathy the most. The long-term impact on a child, who is screaming for help through their behavior, and not being heard, can be devastating. Both for the child and for their long-term relationships with us, despite the fact that we love them so much. 

This does not mean that we accept what is unacceptable behavior. It means that we meet it with calm and patient reinforcement through communication. We can create a short-term action plan to address the behavior and create safety (physical and emotional!) We get to create the best possible scenario for our child to receive the support, structure, and environment they need. Here’s how: 

1. Once the trigger has been identified, can it be minimized or removed permanently or for a period of time? 
2. Is there additional support, quiet time or physical activity required to allow the child to better have their needs met? 
3. What conditions create and reinforce positive conditions for peace and calm and how can those be maximized? 
   

Trusting our kids and their behavior

Children grow. They mature. Phases come and go. If we can resist the urge to decide who our child is or is not based on how they navigate the difficult journey from childhood to adulthood, we will far better serve their social and emotional needs. 

Embracing our role as their protector, safe harbor, advocate, and indeed… #1 fan regardless of their behavior, will allow our children to move through behavioral issues safely and effectively, without causing long-term harm to their sense of self, worthiness, or confidence. 

If you need support, please reach out to one of our Certified Parenting Coaches! You can find our Coaches Directory here! 

If you’re inspired to step into leadership as a provider who can support parents through the biggest parenting issues they face, then we’d love for you to consider our extraordinary community of Parenting Coaches and become a Jai Certified Parenting Coach. If parenting is your true calling and passion, it’s one of the best decisions you can make for yourself, your children, and the families of the future clients you will serve. 

Meet Your Author, Kiva Schuler
Jai Founder and CEO

Kiva’s passion for parenting stemmed from her own childhood experiences of neglect and trauma. Like many of her generation, she had a front row seat to witnessing what she did not want for her own children. And in many ways, Jai is the fulfillment of a promise that she made to herself when she was 16 years old… that when she had children of her own, she would learn to parent them with compassion, consistency and communication. 

Kiva is a serial entrepreneur, and has been the marketer behind many transformational brands. Passionate about bringing authenticity and integrity to marketing and sales, she’s a sought after mentor, speaker and coach.