Siblings without rivalry sounds like a farcical statement. 

Raise your hands parents or grandparents of multiple children.

You know of which I speak, yes?? A few days without a contentious moment is to be celebrated from the oft heard “You are taking forever” with a toy, book, etc. or an accidental bump into another with the ensuing debate of whether it was intentional… Fun times all the time-LOL!

Conflict is to be expected in households with little people who are all the center of their own universe. We understand the developing brain and know there are a lot of years before they are fully formed with executive function firmly in place. In the meantime, their hearts are nurtured. Their habits are developed. Behavioral expectations are expressed through the example we present. 

Laying a foundation for a family culture where we honor each person’s humanity takes focused intent and what may feel like herculean effort steeped in repetitive conversations. 

It takes a while for children to remember that they want to be treated lovingly so they must be loving to their siblings. Singing the same song each day is totally worth it when you see amazing moments between your children where your heart is overwhelmed with joy in how they support and treasure one another.

A cornerstone of my family philosophy is that the children are responsible to and for one another and their relationship together supersedes that of their relationship to myself and their father. They are uniquely the only people in the world with this particular set of DNA and they must be fully present with the idea that they have a special connection not found anywhere else they are wont to preserve and nurture. 

We have full conversations regarding consent, space, listening with your heart as well as listening to hear where you are not simply waiting for your turn to speak. We discuss our intentions in our relationship and our day-to-day actions. The longest running conversations we have are regarding how we choose to respond to one another.

I know everyone has heard “Before speaking ensure what you are saying is kind, true and necessary.” My list for them is a bit more longform! Ours looks like this – Is it true? Necessary? Kind and loving? Is it helpful to everyone? Will this get me to my goal – short and long term? What is your goal? How would I feel if this were done to me? Do I want this said or done to me? We do not allow for blame yet look at our individual and shared responsibility in the choices we make. My goal in these discussions is for them to manage their emotional outburst so they can be heard and to not harm someone else while feeling imbalanced. 

In seeking balance within your household, when children see you love each of them differently, yet enthusiastically because you discuss what you enjoy about each child, then they see how much they are cherished. This is helpful when there is a disagreement, or a child makes a mistake that must be addressed.

Rivalries can develop if they think they see an uneven application of attention or discipline. I am not a punishment mother so my eldest must be reminded that I address conversations about behavior with her differently because she engages more assertively than her brothers. It feels like it is more intense because of her actions. Literally, this was a conversation a few weeks ago. She was clear that yes, she is more aggressive with them thus, she heard my comments regarding the way she spoke to her brothers more often than when I have to say something to the boys. This was an easy conversation since we discuss differences in personality and how they interact as a way of life. 

Learning how to navigate relationships begins at home. Our goal is to provide our children the tools to engage with various personalities successfully honoring themselves and each person they encounter. Therefore, we have these discussions at home regarding what may trigger one person, yet another is unbothered. How can you be more patient with someone that does not respond in the same way or does not value things precisely as you do? 

Allowing children to see themselves as connected yet distinctly different helps them appreciate their differences in a holistic manner while finding spaces of commonality.

Not comparing children to one another is a standard of parenting 101. Sadly, there are many adults who were raised in a manner where they were compared and pitted against siblings. My heart can only imagine that pain since I have no experience with such heartbreak. It would have been easy. I am a twin. Thankfully, my parents did not experience such treatment, so they did not pass down this legacy.

Celebrate the differences in your children.

Allow your children to help one another.

Give them shared tasks that create a team approach to the work they must accomplish.

Helping our children value themselves and one another is a gift for your household as well as their lifelong relationships. It is lovely for children to see themselves in one another and enjoy the company of their family. This foundation supports and protects our children as they go out into the world. No matter what anyone tells them, they know love and acceptance from their closest heart space. They have a lifeline for the entire journey and will know how to develop and nurture other relationships. Huge upfront investment yet, they are gifts that keep on giving.  Your babes will learn how to advocate for themselves, develop methods of working together either to build or protect one another, explore new ways of having fun and so much more!

Children are really a ‘can’t stop, won’t stop’ proposition in terms of the sheer amount of energy, attention and demands they place on you. Siblings that tolerate and dare I say lift one another, make these formative years bearable and amazingly enjoyable!

Here’s to plenty of lively conversations, hilarious moments and heart swoons for you as a parent seeing their love in action.