How to Raise Siblings Without Rivalry

Siblings without rivalry sounds like an imaginary statement. 

You would know what we're talking about if you are a parent, a caregiver of multiple children, or even if you had a sibling growing up!

A few days without rivalry is celebrated from the oft-heard “You are taking forever” with a toy, book, etc., or an accidental bump into another with the ensuing debate of whether it was intentional… Fun times all the time!

Conflict is expected in households with tiny little people who are the center of their own universe. We understand the developing brain and know it will take many years before it is fully formed with executive function firmly in place. In the meantime, their hearts are nurtured, their habits are developed, and their behavioral expectations are expressed through the example we present. 

Laying a foundation for a family culture where we honor each person’s humanity takes focused intent and what may feel like herculean effort steeped in repetitive conversations. 



It takes a while for children to remember that they want to be treated lovingly, so they must be loving to their siblings. Singing the same song each day is worth it when you see amazing moments between your children and when your heart is overwhelmed with joy at how they support and treasure one another.

A cornerstone of my family philosophy is that the children are responsible to and for one another, and their relationship together supersedes that of their relationship with me and their father. They are uniquely the only people in the world with this particular set of DNA, and they must be fully present with the idea that they have a special connection not found anywhere else that they have to preserve and nurture. 

We have full conversations regarding consent, space, listening with your heart, and listening for awareness when you are not simply waiting for your turn to speak. We discuss our intentions in our relationship and our day-to-day actions. The longest-running conversations we have are regarding how we choose to respond to one another.

I know everyone has heard the saying, “Before speaking, ensure what you are saying is kind, true, and necessary.” My list for them is a bit longer!

Ours looks like this:

• Is it true? 
• Is it necessary?
• Is it kind and loving?
• Is it helpful to everyone?
• Will this get me to my goal – short and long-term? 
• What is your goal? 
• How would I feel if this were done to me?
• Do I want this said or done to me? 

We do not allow blame, yet we look at our individual and shared responsibilities in the choices we make. My goal in these discussions is for them to manage their emotional outbursts so they can be heard and not harm someone else while feeling imbalanced. 

In seeking balance within your household, when children see you love each of them differently, yet enthusiastically because you discuss what you enjoy about each child, they see how much they are cherished. This is helpful when there is a disagreement or a child makes a mistake that must be addressed.

Rivalries can develop if they think they see an uneven application of attention or discipline. I do not use punishments, so my eldest daughter must be reminded that I address conversations about her behavior differently because she engages more assertively than her brothers. It feels like it is more intense because of her actions. This was a conversation a few weeks ago. She was clear that she was more aggressive with them; thus, she heard my comments about how she spoke to her brothers more often. This was an easy conversation since we discussed personality differences and how they interact as a way of life. 

Learning how to navigate relationships begins at home. Our goal is to provide our children the tools to engage with various personalities and successfully honor themselves and each person they encounter. Therefore, we have these discussions at home regarding what may trigger one person, yet another is unbothered. How can you be more patient with someone who does not respond in the same way or does not value things precisely as you do? 

Allowing children to see themselves as connected yet distinctly different helps them appreciate their differences holistically while finding spaces of commonality. Not comparing children to one another is a standard of parenting 101. Sadly, many adults were raised in a manner where they were compared and pitted against siblings. My heart can only imagine that pain since I have no experience with such heartbreak. It would have been easy. I am a twin. Thankfully, my parents did not experience such treatment, so they did not pass down this legacy.

Celebrate the differences in your children.

Allow your children to help one another.

Give them shared tasks that create a teamwork approach to what they must accomplish.

Helping our children value themselves and one another is a gift for your household and their lifelong relationships. It is lovely for children to see themselves in one another and enjoy the company of their family. This foundation supports and protects our children as they go out into the world. No matter what anyone tells them, they know love and acceptance from their closest heart space. They have a lifeline for the entire journey and will know how to develop and nurture other relationships. Your little ones will learn how to advocate for themselves, develop methods of working together to build or protect one another, explore new ways of having fun, and so much more!

Children are really a ‘can’t stop, won’t stop’ proposition regarding the sheer amount of energy, attention, and demands they place on you. Siblings that tolerate and lift one another make these formative years bearable and amazingly enjoyable!

Here’s to plenty of lively conversations, hilarious moments, and heart swoons for you as a parent seeing their love in action.