How Do You Know Your Parenting Style?

Your parenting style is as unique as you are. 

The way you parent is shaped by your history (life experiences and generational patterns), awareness (reflection processes, intentions, and parenting philosophies), and actions (your moment-to-moment parenting choices). Your parenting style will fluctuate on different days and over the years as your children grow. In this article, we are going to invite you to identify what your parenting style is today and some steps you can take to evolve your parenting style. 

Before we dive in, it is important to remember that: 

All of us are doing the best that we can with the tools and resources we have available at the moment we are in. 

It can be tempting to judge, label, and shame ourselves or others when we begin to classify parenting styles, so let us be mindful of that as we explore these different ways of parenting. It is also normal that when we dig deeper into our parenting, we may reveal gaps between where we think we are in our parenting and where we actually are with our actions. That is okay and part of the process. There is infinite potential for change, growth, and bringing more intentionality and new strategies into our parenting. 

Your parenting style will undoubtedly affect your kids and their development. At Jai Institute for Parenting, we believe that understanding and actively working with your parenting style will lead you to the next steps for becoming the parent you want to be. 

So, let’s get started. 

The Different Parenting Styles

At Jai Institute for Parenting, we define three parenting styles with a continuum centered around how parents use their power with their kids. You may or may not fit into one of these parenting styles perfectly. Instead, think of each of these parenting styles as containing a set of tools that parents may use in different moments depending on their mindsets, beliefs, and momentary feelings and needs. 

As you read through the parenting styles, see if you can identify which parenting style you resonate with the most philosophically (with your mind) and how you engage with the other styles through your actions. 

1. The Power Over Style 

The Power Over style puts the parent front and center in the authority position. The parent holds control over what the child gets to do, say, and even believe. A child’s behaviors are seen as “good” and “bad,” and they are often managed through punishments and rewards. This style is often centered around the parents’ needs and emotions and has an emphasis on compliance and emotional restraint. Power Over can be used as a main strategy in families who believe children need to be dominated and led with authority, or it can be used in moments of reactivity and overwhelm when a parent is feeling desperate for control over their kids. 

Power Over Parenting Tools: 

• “Because I said so” 
• Punishments and consequences determined by the parent
• Threats to change behavior
• Withdrawing love or linking love to specific behaviors/achievements
• Shaming
• Reactively imposing strict rules
• Micromanagement
• Rigid boundaries and decisions without child involvement

Impact on Child Development:

When parenting is centered around managing behaviors, children do not develop a relationship with their needs, emotions, and internal worlds (the underlying factors causing the behaviors). Instead, they internalize the shame of their actions as “I am bad,” which can create or sustain patterns of negative behaviors. Kids parented from Power Over may develop strong obedience and achievement-oriented behaviors. Depending on how the tools are used and how often, children may struggle with self-expression, emotional regulation, and independent decision-making. They are likely to seek authority figures who tell them what to do because they were not given the space to grow these internal decision-making skills. Children may also develop insecure attachment styles (anxious or avoidant patterns) in relationships as adults. 

2. The Power Under Style

On the other end of the continuum is the Power Under (also known as Permissive) style of parenting. This style allows the parent to take a more passive role in parenting and give their power to their kids. It often centers around children’s needs and emotions. There is usually a lack of boundaries and rules. This style is often used by parents feeling overwhelmed, fearful, and disconnected from themselves and their children. Sometimes, parents who were raised in a Power Over environment become fearful of creating the same environment for their kids, so they swing to the other end of the spectrum into Power Under. Parents commonly use Power Under tools when they are feeling overwhelmed, fatigued, and burnt out. 

Power Under Parenting Tools: 

• “Whatever. Fine. Do what you want.”
• Inconsistent/unpredictable rules & boundaries
• Prioritizing being liked by kids
• Minimal responsibilities
• Ignoring the emotions of kids and being unable to model healthy coping mechanisms
• Lack of guidance and support
• Protecting children from all risks and challenges
• Lack of clear, loving limits
• Avoiding the word “no”

Impact on Child Development:

Power Under tools signal a lack of safety for kids because their parent is no longer a sturdy leader. Depending on the use and frequency of these tools, kids may struggle with self-control and have poor decision-making skills. They may develop insecure attachment (anxious or avoidant patterns) in their relationships. They may struggle to respect authority figures and follow rules. They may be risk-averse. They may have strong creativity skills from having to be independent at an early age. 

3. Jai’s Empowered Parenting Style

Empowered Parenting considers the needs of everyone involved - adults and children. It is based on understanding, connection, family values, and trust. There are age-appropriate expectations and boundaries that are both firm and loving. 

In Empowered Parenting, parents believe that children are inherently good, and behaviors are seen as opportunities to learn new skills. Mistakes and feelings are allowed and welcomed and are embraced as teachable moments rather than being seen as problems to be solved (or criticized). 

Modeling is at the core of our parenting strategy. This style focuses on long-term well-being rather than the immediate gratification of changing a behavior in that moment. 

Tools for Empowered Parenting: 

• Self-reflection and modeling how to live in our family values
• Set and hold clear expectations and boundaries
• Curiosity and taking the time to get to know our children’s inner worlds
• Holding space in our children’s hardest moments
• Acknowledging and respecting feelings
• Discussing values together
• Family team meetings and proactive planning
• Coaching children how to advocate, consciously communicate, and engage socially
• Teaching empathy and how to listen
• Practicing problem-solving together
• Empowering children and building decision-making skills
• Apologizing, reflecting on mistakes, and owning personal responsibility
• Creating agreements, commitments with follow through, and shared personal responsibility

Impact on Child Development:

The Empowered Parenting Style offers a balanced approach that nurtures emotional intelligence, self-awareness, and healthy relationships. Children raised in this environment tend to develop strong self-esteem, emotional regulation skills, and social competence. They are more likely to have secure attachments as well as be independent, responsible, and emotionally mature.

How To Evolve Your Parenting Style

Discovering your parenting style is not a one-time event but an ongoing process of self-reflection and growth. It begins with honest introspection about your beliefs, values, and experiences. Ask yourself:

1. How were you parented as a child? How was power used in your home? How did your parents’ parenting styles affect you?

2. What aspects of your upbringing do you want to emulate or avoid?

3. What are your core values and long-term goals for your children? How are you modeling these?

4. How do you typically respond to your child's needs and behaviors? What are your beliefs about their behaviors, feelings, and needs

Remember, there's no perfect parenting style, and most parents use tools from all these parenting styles. The goal is to become aware of your tendencies, understand where your choices come from, and continually evaluate whether you are making intentional choices and actions that align with your parenting values. 

Our desired parenting style may not always match our moment-to-moment parenting. To continue the process of matching our desired parenting style with our actions: 

1. Practice and build skills. Parenting scripts are a great place to start, but we need committed practice to be able to embody the parenting style we feel committed to.

2. Reflect and grow. Learn from books, courses, and resources that inspire and challenge you. Work with a Parenting Coach. Journal about your parenting style, goals, and commitments. Have family meetings to talk about moments that were hard and moments that went well. 

3. Forgive yourself when you make a mistake. Remember, there is no such thing as a perfect parent. Offer yourself compassion and empathy. You are modeling for your kids how to forgive themselves

Becoming an Empowered Parent

At Jai Institute for Parenting, we help parents become Empowered Parents. To be an empowered parent means that you have made sense of your history,  you continually develop your awareness,  and you align your actions  to your intentions and philosophies. 

As an Empowered Parent, you can accept that parenting is a constant process of growth and evolution, and you commit to showing up in humility, responsibility, reflection, and dedication. You might grab Power Over tools sometimes and Power Under tools sometimes. 

There is no need to be perfect, and you can model how to be fully human, messiness and all, to your kids. When you make mistakes, you can model how to take accountability and forgive. Being an Empowered Parent means being honest about where you are right now, making mistakes with grace and through repair, and modeling how to be human. 

Parenting is a journey, not a destination. Be patient with yourself as you learn and grow alongside your child. By remaining open to self-reflection and continual improvement, you'll be well-equipped to navigate the challenges and joys of parenting while fostering your child's healthy development.

This journey takes time and is full of opportunities for parents to heal, grow, and mature in lock-step with their children, which is why our Parenting Coaches are so very needed. 

If you’re ready to dive deeper into your self-reflective process and transform your parenting, sign up for Jai’s free info session and learn more about the foundations of Jai's transformational parent coaching program.

Meet Your Author, Marissa Goldenstein

Marissa Goldenstein, a Jai Certified Master Parent Coach, is devoted to guiding parents toward mindfulness and joy in their parenting journey. Marissa demonstrates a proven commitment to innovative education, having a history as a co-founder of a visionary elementary school that focused on cultivating changemakers through curiosity, connection, and community. Leveraging her MBA and an MA in Experimental Psychology, she seamlessly integrates both business and human development insights into her coaching practice.

Beyond coaching, Marissa embraces mindfulness in her own parenting alongside her partner and their two sons, engaging in family dance parties and adventurous learning experiences whenever possible. http://marissagoldenstein.com