Beyond Gentle Parenting: Embracing Empowered Parenting to Raise Resilient Kids

From Punitive Practices to Gentle Parenting:

How Far Have We Come?

When Jai was founded in 2011, the culture around parenting was incredibly different than it is today. The Super Nanny was on television every week, which spoke to a cultural longing to raise our children better than we were raised. But punitive parenting was still the norm. 

Our work was founded on the idea that power-over parenting was harmful to children and, ultimately, the relationship between parents and children. 

When I first saw the swell of Gentle Parenting rising online, I felt relieved! Vindicated! Excited! Children are human beings, but they are not adults. They have inalienable rights to be treated with dignity and kindness. They need our unconditional love and support. They also need parents who understand that a child’s brain is not an adult brain, just needing to be filled with “stuff.” 

And so many parents adopted strategies rooted in compassion, empathy, and emotional awareness. But has Gentle Parenting gone too far? 

Because children also need to develop resilience, grit, and independence. They need to discover how strong they are and learn that they are capable of overcoming adversity. 

Power-under parenting is just as harmful to children and to the long-term relationship with their parents. 

The Gentle Parenting Surge: A Revolution or Overcorrection?

Today’s young adults aren’t going no-contact with their parents because they were treated harshly but rather because they are desperate for developmentally appropriate independence and autonomy. They’ve had parents who were hyper-involved in every aspect of their lives and want to live without the pressure of a different kind of control… having the perfect existence as defined by their parents. 

So here we are, in 2024, and we find ourselves in a new world. Many of today’s teenagers and young adults are ill-prepared for the challenges of real life.

With the best intentions, the gentle parenting movement has abandoned the parenting part of the equation, which we define here at Jai as leadership. 

Here are the core issues: 

Overemphasis on Identity and Feelings: We often emphasize a child's subjective identity over objective realities, encouraging young people to explore and validate their feelings without necessarily guiding them toward coping mechanisms or critical thinking.

Validation Culture: There is a trend toward validating all feelings and identities without encouraging the necessary skepticism or exploration of alternative viewpoints.

Lack of Challenge and Resilience Building: We often avoid challenging children or exposing them to the normal difficulties and frustrations of life, leading to a lack of resilience.

Overprotection: Parents, educators, and therapists may overprotect children from uncomfortable emotions and situations, preventing them from learning how to handle adversity.

Therapeutic Interventions: Normal childhood and adolescent behaviors are sometimes pathologized, leading to overdiagnosis and overtreatment.

Influence of Social Trends: We may be influenced by prevailing social ideologies, potentially shaping our parental guidance and advice in ways that align more with these ideologies than with the individual needs of the child.

These practices contribute to a delayed transition to adulthood, with young people lacking the necessary skills and resilience to handle adult responsibilities. 

Balancing Compassion and Challenge: The Missing Ingredient in Modern Parenting 

As a coach, one of the most powerful questions I can ask someone is, “How have you been complicit in the conditions you say you don’t want?”

As a generation of parents, how have WE been complicit in the circumstances that our children are in?

I’ve always been a little uncomfortable with the idea of Peaceful Parenting, even though it has been our swan song here at The Jai Institute for Parenting for well over a decade. 

Parenting isn’t going to always be peaceful. But, hey, it was an alliteration and spoke to the goal of our work. Now, I wonder if it painted an unrealistic picture of the role we play as parents. 

The work that we do here to train parenting coaches and, by extension of their work, support parents in developing healthy leadership, relational, and communication skills is so much deeper than being peaceful. 

Our methodology is truly about empowering parents to provide the essential support that children need, which includes boundaries, rules, saying “no,” holding expectations and teaching our children to adopt the values that we hold dear. 

It’s about giving parents the ability to separate their discomfort from their child’s and to trust their children’s journey, giving the gift of experiencing the consequences (positive and negative) of their choices, actions, behaviors, and decisions.

Because we are human development geeks, we’ve known about the importance of structure and accountability in raising children well, but it’s not as simple as a 90-second soundbite on Instagram. 

There’s no easy pill when it comes to parenting. 

We get to do the work. 

When we empower parents here at Jai, they raise empowered children. 

This is what the world needs. 

Empowered Parenting: Moving Beyond Peaceful to Effective Leadership

Empowered Parenting involves guiding, inspiring, and nurturing children as they grow, helping them develop into responsible and capable individuals. 

Here are the 14 essential qualities of effective parenting leadership:

1. Vision

Guidance: Effective parents have a clear understanding of the values and principles they want to instill in their children.

Inspiring Future: They envision the kind of adults they hope their children will become and work towards nurturing those qualities.

2. Integrity

Role Modeling: Parents demonstrate honesty and ethical behavior, setting a strong example for their children to follow.

Trustworthiness: By consistently acting with integrity, they build a foundation of trust and respect within the family.

3. Communication Skills

Active Listening: Effective parents listen attentively to their children’s thoughts and feelings, making them feel heard and valued.

Clear Guidance: They communicate expectations, rules, and feedback in a clear and constructive manner.

4. Empathy

Understanding Feelings: Empathetic parents understand their children's emotions and perspectives, responding with kindness and compassion.

Supportive Presence: They offer support and reassurance, especially during challenging times, helping children feel secure.

5. Decision-Making

Thoughtful Choices: Effective parents make thoughtful decisions that consider the well-being and development of their children.

Confident Guidance: They provide clear and consistent guidance, helping children learn to make responsible choices.

6. Adaptability

Flexible Parenting: They are open to adjusting their parenting style and strategies as their children grow and as situations change.

Resilient Response: Adaptable parents handle the ups and downs of parenting with resilience, maintaining a positive outlook.

7. Accountability

Modeling Responsibility: They take responsibility for their actions and teach their children to do the same.

Encouraging Ownership: Effective parents encourage children to own their actions and learn from their mistakes.

8. Delegation

Empowering Independence: They delegate age-appropriate tasks and responsibilities, empowering children to develop independence and self-confidence.

Building Trust: Delegation helps build mutual trust and teaches children to contribute to family life.

9. Emotional Intelligence

Self-Awareness: Effective parents are aware of their own emotions and manage them to maintain a calm and nurturing environment.

Emotional Regulation: They help their children understand and regulate their own emotions while supporting them in making decisions beyond emotions. 

10. Team Building

Family Collaboration: They foster a collaborative family environment where everyone works together and supports each other.

Conflict Resolution: Effective parents address conflicts within the family constructively, promoting harmony and understanding.

11. Humility

Open to Feedback: Humble parents are open to feedback from their children and willing to reflect on their own actions.

Recognizing Contributions: They acknowledge and appreciate the contributions of each family member.

12. Strategic Thinking

Long-Term Planning: They think ahead about their children’s development, setting goals and planning for their future needs.

Innovative Solutions: Strategic parents seek innovative solutions to parenting challenges and adapt to changing circumstances.

13. Commitment

Dedicated Parenting: They show dedication to their children’s growth and well-being, investing time and effort in their development.

Perseverance: Committed parents persist in their parenting efforts, even when faced with difficulties, demonstrating determination and love.

14. Surrender

Knowing When to Let Go: They allow their children more autonomy, independence, and risk-taking as they grow and mature. 

Acceptance: They realize that the reality of life is that children will sometimes get hurt physically, emotionally, and relationally, and they allow their children to have these experiences so that they can learn from them. 

Empowered Parenting is power-with parenting. 

This is how we raise capable young people who will become the leaders and change-makers we desperately need. With gratitude for The Gentle Parenting Movement, which brought so many parents back to their hearts, we remind parents that we also need an equal amount of spine. 

You’ll be hearing a lot more about Empowered Parenting from us. The thing is, it’s not the easy path. It’s far easier to pacify or exert control. It’s far easier to hand a kid an iPad. 

It’s going to take work. But I believe in us. We can rise to this moment, and the kids are going to be alright. 

Meet Your Author, Kiva Schuler
Jai Founder and CEO

Kiva’s passion for parenting stemmed from her own childhood experiences of neglect and trauma. Like many of her generation, she had a front row seat to witnessing what she did not want for her own children. And in many ways, Jai is the fulfillment of a promise that she made to herself when she was 16 years old… that when she had children of her own, she would learn to parent them with compassion, consistency and communication. 

Kiva is a serial entrepreneur, and has been the marketer behind many transformational brands. Passionate about bringing authenticity and integrity to marketing and sales, she’s a sought after mentor, speaker and coach.