Why We Don't Do Punishments When It Comes to Conscious Parenting

People who know my teenagers always ask me, "How did you do it?"

And while I find this quite flattering to my Ego, it's also interesting to hear what is underneath the question...

"Will my kids be polite and kind when they are 15?" 

"Will they look people in the eye, and act confidently?" 

"Will they still hug me and trust me?" 

In other words... will they be "good kids"?

(And, no, my kids aren't always good and that is most definitely not the benchmark I'm looking to achieve <3)

That being said, it's SOOOO interesting that as soon as I talk about having raised them without punishments or consequences (though I'd give myself a B- on the bribery thing... desperate times call for desperate measures)...

This is what I hear:

Parent: "I could never do that."

My thoughts: "yes, you actually could."

Parent: "Yeah but you had good kids."

My thoughts: "My son used to bash his head against the wall."

Parent: "I don't want my kids to be spoiled and entitled."

My thoughts: Of course you don't.

We have to understand the difference between boundaries, limits and expectations...  and discipline, punishment and control. Both can yield the same outcome: kids who have a clear understanding of how to be good people. But with very different costs.

When you exert control over a child you are setting up a power struggle, cutting off connection and communication, undermine the child's sense of self-worth and confidence (I am only loved when I fall in line beliefs set in here) and often (because strong emotions are involved) creating a massive breach of trust with a child.

It's a game of would you rather.

Would you rather a child who complied because they were forced to (because someday it's going to be the bully... the unethical boss... the sexual partner who won't hear no)...

Or because they have a clear sense of personal confidence, their values (as taught and passed down by you, their parent) and emotional intelligence (my needs matter, other people's needs matter and I can speak what is true for me without fear).

Conscious parenting is NOT permissive parenting. Quite the opposite.

It IS the opportunity to support our clients/parents to look at their need for control, see how they are unconsciously passing down the very parenting breaches that occurred in their own childhood to their children, and making clear decisions about their values, boundaries and commitments...

And then powering that all up with communication skills (here we advocate non-violent communication frameworks) and emotional literacy/intelligence.

What I can say as the mom of two teens, is there is nothing needed beyond my authentic emotional response to their actions to guide them to become amazing human beings.

The power of "I feel angry..." "sad..." and even more so... "I am so, so proud..." Has personally been 1000000x more effective than any punishments could have been. And I'm guessing that the hundreds of coaches and thousands of families that have been through our programs would say the same.

I get it. The unknown is scary.

It is ALWAYS scary to let go of what we know in the name of what we want. AND...

If you truly want change then you have to be willing to do different to have different.

Let me know your thoughts on this (sometimes controversial) topic!

It's a key foundation of the conversations we are having as we explore what it means to be a parenting coach here at The Jai Institute.