Managing Toddler Tantrums: Four Effective Strategies

Toddler tantrums are a normal part of the toddler experience. Temper tantrums can be defined as emotional or behavioral outbursts, most often occurring in young children. Tantrums are often a response to unmet desires or wants in very young children.

These emotional outbursts occur mainly because young children do not have the tools, or developmental capacity to regulate their emotions without the help of their caregivers.

Since they need help regulating, parents play a pivotal role in helping manage temper tantrums. This is good news as it empowers parents to support their toddlers and reduce the stress and anxiety that temper tantrums can introduce.

There are four main strategies that can be used to manage toddler temper tantrums:

1. Stay Calm

Modeling the behaviors we want our children to learn is an extremely important part of the parenting journey. We can be triggered by our children, by their emotional or behavioral outbursts, which can cause us to behave reactively; but we should do the exact opposite and regulate our own emotions, for example by taking a deep, calming breath before responding.

Tantrums are an opportunity to provide guidance for our children, and the simple act of staying calm when they are overwhelmed gives them access to a solid foundation that they can learn from and later emulate.

2. Connect with Toddlers Physically

Parents should close the distance between themselves and their toddlers. Often, being picked up or held, or just having a caregiver stand close to them, will stop a tantrum as they will feel comforted. Physical touch is very comforting for toddlers as they are still in the sensorimotor stage, according to Jean Piaget (1971).

The sensorimotor stage occurs between 0-2 years of age and is characterized by understanding and processing the world largely through the senses. Physically engaging the world around them is their primary source of learning.

Any parent with a young toddler can attest to how often children of this age put things in their mouths, grab things, pull things down, or even throw things, which are all normal developmental processes at this age. The simple act of physically connecting to toddlers speaks directly to their dominant language at this stage and reminds toddlers that they are not alone and they are safe even when they feel overwhelmed. 

3. Communication

Speak in a calm voice. Children can be easily startled by harsh speech or a loud tone. Therefore, it is important that we speak to them calmly, especially when they are dysregulated. Some parents believe that they can meet a child’s outburst with their own outburst to teach them who is in charge.

This is a space where parenting goals should be evaluated. If the goal is to instill fear, this is a viable option. However, if the goal is to raise children who thrive mentally, emotionally, and socially, triggering their startled response when they need you is not an effective strategy. Presenting a regulated parent helps raise emotionally regulated children.

4. Explain their unmet wants in terms that matter to them

Explain in familiar terms to them. Explaining to a child that you must pay the mortgage instead of buying them a toy they want will not be useful as this is a concern they are most likely not familiar with. Focus on things they understand.

For example, when my three-year-old son has an emotional outburst, if I do not give him another snack or another popsicle, I refer to his desire to be strong as a reason why we can’t eat too many sweets or snacks. I might say, “I understand why you want more sweets. Mommy needs to help you be big and strong, but eating too many sweets won’t help you grow big muscles.”

This always gets his attention, as this is incredibly important to him right now. He often calms quickly and asks clarifying questions. This will obviously differ for different children. Think about what matters to your child and engage those ideas while avoiding speaking about concerns that do not connect to their worldview.

Temper tantrums are manageable, and parents are not powerless to address this seemingly overwhelming emotional outburst. Parents are the solution to their children’s underdeveloped emotional and behavioral responses and should take comfort in knowing that they can be the solution to temper tantrums for their children.

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Piaget, J. (1971). The theory of stages in cognitive development. In D. R. Green, M. P. Ford, & G. B. Flamer, Measurement and Piaget. McGraw-Hill.

Meet Your Author, Dr. Calvina Ellerbe

Dr. Ellerbe is an award-winning educator, TEDx Speaker, writer, parenting expert, and soon-to-be mother of six children who provide practical insights for parents to develop a fulfilling parenting experience. Her life's mission is to help parents thrive. Her motto is "If we heal families, we will heal the world."

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