Ground that Parenting Helicopter

Helicopter parenting refers to an overprotective and very involved parenting style. Just like a helicopter hovers, so do these parents. They typically involve themselves in all aspects of their children's lives, sometimes to the detriment of the kids.

Helicopter parenting stems from love and good intentions. According to resilience expert Deborah Gilboa, MD, "It's a tricky line to find—to be engaged with our children and their lives, but not so meshed that we lose perspective on what they need."

Active parenting offers numerous benefits for a child, including a strong sense of love and acceptance, increased self-confidence, and ample opportunities for personal growth. However, Dr. Gilboa notes, "The challenge arises when parenting is driven by fear and decisions are made based on what might go wrong. It becomes difficult to remember the valuable lessons children learn when we aren't directing every move." She adds, "Experiencing failure and overcoming challenges teach children new skills and, crucially, that they are capable of handling setbacks."

While helicopter parenting has widespread effects, it can lead to specific negative outcomes, such as the following: less confidence and self-esteem, entitlement, and lack of resilience.  For instance, a 2018 study published in Developmental Psychology revealed that overly controlling parents can hinder their child's ability to manage emotions and behavior.

While teaching health at a local college, I assigned a reading prompt regarding the drive to achieve and the pressure felt to succeed, which students ranked from healthy to unhealthy.  From 2010-2015, approximately 600 students participated. They received no credit for it. After class, everyone in attendance received points for attending class that night (as was the case for every class). Participants represented students living in suburbs all over the U.S. and different countries.

Most responses were several paragraphs in length and described the stress that results from living in a home with normal to very high expectations. 12% could not relate personally and credited examples of positive parenting.  88% shared examples of “helicopter” parenting combined with societal pressures that contributed to their drive to overachieve not only academically but athletically as if it were their ticket to “success.” Half of the respondents had personally experienced self-destructive behaviors (i.e., cutting, eating disorders, alcohol, and drug abuse), which they participated in as a coping response to unhealthy stress or pressure they felt to succeed. 

Through the Jai Parent Certification program, I learned more about natural consequences, which consist of a parent (within safety limits) allowing their child to learn through their experience, even if the outcome is perhaps undesirable. The result of the action is — in and of itself — the “teacher” that helps the child understand the results of their actions (or lack thereof). According to the Jai Institute of Parenting, a natural consequence is usually the most effective teacher. It works particularly well if the adult is lovingly supportive of the child when the child processes what happens. The adult refrains from blaming and shaming and instead works with the child to guide them to a better path forward.

My very favorite framework from the Jai Institute uses the acronyms ANCHOR and HARBOR as tools to help parents allow children to learn through natural consequences. The concept of anchoring yourself to be a safe harbor for your child can be a helpful and empowering guide for parents to guide their children as opposed to “hovering” or “saving” their child from pain or failure. This phrase alone says it all and is a great reminder to parents to find a coping tool for their own self-regulation in order to support their child through a distressing time. 

I post these acronyms all over my home to remind myself that I need to anchor so I can be a safe harbor for my kids, especially during their distress. It is a reminder to ground myself and not try to rescue my kids from distress or failure. It calms me down and allows me to self-regulate so as not to feel fear over their failure or pain. When I am anchored, I am a safe place for them, and I model my best behavior during a challenge. I regularly share ANCHOR and HARBOR with my clients as well in my parent coaching practice. 

Here are the acronyms defined:

ANCHOR

Awareness of body

Name what is happening in your body

Connect to your sensory calming tool

Honor the process

Open to connection

Recommit to your child and the present moment

HARBOR

Hold space

Accept what is: let go of fear

Remember sensory calming tools

Be low, slow, and soft

Open to connection

Remind child of safety

It is only natural to want to save our kids from pain. It is hard to watch them hurt and go through tough times. When we use logic and not parental instinct and emotion, we can see the value of failure and life’s hardest lessons. I have had to use strategies to help myself act out of logic and not my maternal emotion of wanting to protect my kids from life’s challenges. 

One thing I do is think of a baby learning to walk. It’s safe while still holding onto a parent. As soon as a child takes a step on their own, they may fall. If we back up and give them room to pick themself up and take a step on their own, they really move forward. It can be helpful to remember this as our children go through other new phases in life. A baby’s first step and fall are similar to all the physical and emotional bumps and bruises they will get along the way as they try other things in life. 

It’s the pain that induces a lesson or growth. This is why our kids need to feel life’s ups and downs. We need to teach them to play well and to fall or fail even better. When they fall, try to view it as a learning opportunity that they can learn from. It’s hard to let them hurt, but because of the natural consequences, they will be stronger, not weaker. Failing, hurting, and falling allow kids to develop resilience. When my child is going through something tough (they are young adults now, and I still have to do this), I find reassurance in the following two quotes:

“And why do we fall, Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.” – Batman movie.

“I will want to take away your pain, but instead, I will sit with you and teach you how to feel it.” – Brené Brown, PhD, LMSW, speaker, author, public speaker

Want to learn more tools to help guide you on your parenting journey? Download your copy of “How to Become An Empowered Parenting Coach” and learn about Empowered Parenting as taught in Jai’s parenting coach training program and how it can help your family and impact other parents and children.