It's been a while now. I constantly feel like I am suffocating, burdened, maybe even trapped. It's been 3.5 years since I've had my first baby and six months since I've had my second. Don't get me wrong, I do love my kids; I love them more than anything in the world, AND I have always wanted to become a mother. I do think it's the noblest thing a person can do: raise a well-rounded kid in the middle of a wild, wild world.

But I constantly find myself wishing I had more space or less duties. I wish they weren't so dependent on me. I need to feed, change, bathe, talk, play, cook, wash, sort, clean and then a bunch of other stuff. What am I left with? Shame for thinking I need space away from my kids. Resentment for not getting to do the things I wish I could. Guilt because I feel like I am parenting with half a mind and little to no energy. Frustration from being stuck in a loop that is doing a great job of making me feel like I no longer know who I am. And anger.

You see all these parents on social media, from setting up sensory bins to offering the perfect meals. From co-sleeping to homeschooling. Dedicating every minute of their existence to their children and then some more. We all know that's not always entirely true, and even if it were, it's still not for everybody. While I understand all of that, I also know that I am left with more guilt and shame for feeling that I am coming up short and still have the nerves to need more space.

Luckily, I've had 26 years of intensive training in shutting down my emotions. I am quite a professional when it comes to swallowing down my shame and guilt. Frustration? "Come on, be grateful! Some have it worse than you do," I would tell myself. But I need more space. "Who else is gonna take care of your kids? Why did you have them in the first place if you want "space"? Do you want to fail them and fail as a parent? You need to power through, postpone your dreams, and just focus on being a parent!”

I mean...it's quite chaotic in my mind. It gets really loud at times and turns into a fight between the ultimate mother in me and a little girl looking for some room to breathe.

Calm down… breathe… you know it's gonna be ok.

How can I help myself? What can I do to get out of this vicious loop? Certainly, burying my emotions isn't helping. It's like this ultimate mother in me is constantly disapproving of my need for autonomy or individuality. I constantly need to prove to her that I am willing to give up my entire being for the next 20 years so she can feel like she has accomplished her dream of being the perfect mother. I know she seeks validation from the outside world. I know she needs to feel acknowledged and praised for her impeccable dedication as a mother. And I know she finds a lot of pride in her role.

I hear you… I see you, and I can't ignore this other part of me. This little girl who is still looking for who she is. Lost between childhood trauma and the rough sea of motherhood.

Luckily (this time, I'm not being sarcastic), I have been equipped with knowledge that helps me not only navigate tough parenting situations but also carries me through personal struggles and loud, unkind, unyielding thoughts. Being a Jai parenting coach has taught me that there is always room for emotions and no room for labeling them as good or bad. 

All I need is to FEEL them to HEAL them.

How can I replace this alarm that goes off in my head, "I NEED MORE SPACE! I NEED MORE SPACE!" whenever my son asks me to play with him or when my daughter refuses to nap? 

Let it all out. Feel the shame, the guilt, the frustration, the resentment, and don't shy away from those emotions. I AM entitled to my own feelings. There is no need to question them or argue with them. 

Allow them to flow and be present with them…

And while I welcome and disarm them, I feel more space is being created within me. More space for solutions, possibilities, and a perspective shift. A perspective shift that will allow me to rewire my brain toward more constructive, hands-on solutions and practices.

"Allow yourself to reclaim some of the rights you gave up in the name of being a good mother."

"You can't pour from an empty cup."

"Your mental health is not separate from your children's."

I can feel my shame softening. I deserve to exist as a separate being from my children, a person with dreams and aspirations and the right to take long hot showers and drink a cup of coffee while it's still hot. Solve, don't devolve. Use the power of your brain and gather all that you have learned to improve the quality of your life, your relationship with your children, and your overall well-being.

Feeling trapped with no room to do what I want has led me to associate my kids with being the reason for these feelings. But the truth is, I lost sight of how to preserve the delicate balance of being a mom and being me.

I forgot that I need to honor my need for space and that putting myself first sometimes is more than okay. I forgot that it is necessary to place boundaries around these little places that only belonged to me. I forgot that it's okay if I don't let my kids in there.

Honestly, this thought process gave me a little boost of hope, and my brain was engaged in developing more creative solutions. I was no longer operating from a place of fear and defensiveness around my freedom. I was now operating from a place of safety and confidence. I came up with a list that I could look at whenever I feel I am getting frustrated again.

Engage in playful parenting

The barrier I sometimes place between myself and my kids is reinforced every time I try to escape being present. I am rewiring my brain to instantly feel frustrated because I would rather do something else. Instead, I needed to shift my perspective in these moments. It is much more beneficial to be present, enjoy the moment, and connect with my kids than to spend the same amount of time feeling frustrated, angry, or trapped. I also needed to honor the fact that I am blessed with amazing children that I GET to feed, change, bathe, talk to, play with, cook for, and then a bunch of other stuff.

Enforce boundaries

It is important to give myself permission to enforce boundaries around my personal space. I am entitled to my own time. I am entitled to my individuality. I am entitled to preserve the "non-mother" parts of me, and this doesn't make me any less of an outstanding mother to my kids.

Bridge the gap

There is always this gap between us and our children that naturally exists due to a very subconscious parental hierarchy. We naturally view ourselves as wiser, smarter, and having all the information, and we believe that our kids will always learn from us. This embedded programming prevents us from involving our children in our interests, activities, and lives, alienating them and categorizing them as a burden rather than a companion on our life journey.

Invest in quality time

Quality time has a number of benefits, from improving your children's mental health, easing stress, and strengthening family bonds to building confidence and developing emotional intelligence. But for the matter at hand, filling my own children's cup is crucial to help us connect and soften their resistance around my personal boundaries. 

Being able to coach myself through this storm of feelings leaves me feeling strong, capable, and hopeful. To be honest, it doesn’t all resolve at once, but I know I can safely circle back and sit with whatever emotions that might arise. I know I can address them. I know I can find the right tools. I know I can navigate parenting and life as it happens.

Meet Your Author, Tasneem Abdelhamid

Tasneem is a Jai Certified Parent Coach, Design Manager, and writer for the Jai Institute for Parenting. As a mom of two little ones, she travels the world through her designs and writing. Nothing brings her joy more than spending time with her family and knowing that she is changing the world one parenting moment at a time.