“The challenge in self-esteem is to value one’s existence when it’s not valued by others, to believe in oneself when doubted by others, to accept oneself when judged by others.”
- Gordon Nuefeld, Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers
It means that you:
• Value your existence.
• Believe in yourself.
• Accept yourself.
Regardless of external messages.
At the end of the day, self-confidence is the essence of human mental health.
Making sure your child feels confident is one of a parent’s most important tasks; how your child feels about himself or herself will form the foundation of their mental, physical and emotional health throughout their lives.
Self-confidence allows your child to:
• Have a strong sense of self-worth
• Build connections with people
• Be intrinsically motivated
• Believe in himself
• Move courageously in the direction of his or her dreams
• Have the flexibility they’ll need to successfully navigate life’s challenges
When your children have self-confidence, they love themselves first and foremost, no matter what situation they are in. They can easily handle conflicts and resist negative influences such as peer pressure, which is worse today than it has ever been because of influences like isolating technology and social media.
Here’s how you can instill self-confidence in your kids in 5 easy steps:
1 . Model Empathy: Be a model for empathy in your home. Start by practicing self-empathy, taking time to listen to your feelings and emotions. Then – consciously – take time to stop, listen and hear your children. Listen to yourself and your kids without judgment.
2.
Practice Acceptance: Allow your child to be exactly who he or she is in the moment. Accept and acknowledge their feelings – no matter what those feelings are. Don’t blame or judge them for having “wrong” feelings or taking “wrong” actions. Accept their behaviors and feelings equally and without judgment.
3.
Be Self-Confident: Kids are so perceptive. If you don’t feel self-confident, but you’re trying to model that for you child, he’ll pick up on your inauthenticity in a minute. You need to be aware of your own confidence and build upon it with self-care. When you take care of your own needs, model empathy and acceptance for yourself, you’re more able to be there for your child.
4.
Focus on Being Instead of Doing: A lot of parents focus on achievement to build self-confidence in their kids. They push them to succeed in everything they do and give them tons of praise when they meet expectations. But this is “contingent” or “acquired” self-esteem and, because it’s rooted in doing things, it’s fickle. It oscillates with the ability to produce or succeed, to do something. True, lasting and dependable self-esteem doesn’t evaluate based on doing. It accepts. It’s independent of outside opinions or accomplishments. Your child is worthy (of love, respect, friendship, empathy)
simply by being .
5.
Hold the Praise: This one might seem counter-intuitive. I mean, doesn’t it make a kid feel good when you praise him or her? Yes, but only if the praise is truly deserved and the child can make an objective connection between the praise and what brought it on. Praise for the sake of praise is counterproductive to building authentic self-esteem in kids (and adults!) because over-praising inhibits a child’s ability to form real judgments about themselves. And it sets up a pattern of seeking self-worth based on others’ reactions to them.
Let me leave you with one more valuable insight from Gordon Nuefeld:
“The real issues of self-esteem, therefore, involve conclusions about the validity and value of one’s own existence. True self-esteem requires a psychological maturity that can only be incubated in warm, loving relationships with responsible adults.”
We, the parents, are those responsible adults. Build a warm, accepting, empathetic and honest relationship with your child and they’ll carry unshakeable, precious self-esteem with them all of their lives.
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