“Stop! Why would you do that?!” I screamed. Again. At my son. He had just hit his little brother. My big trigger. Against my deepest values and intentions of consciously communicating with him, the energy rises up out of me without my permission. My body takes that familiar stance, my face gets tight and stern, and my voice becomes loud. Automatic. Engrained. A pattern.

And it makes sense. I am a healing mother, conditioned by a generation and society where “obedience” is valued over “authenticity.” Where being “easy” is praised over being original or unique. Where adults’ needs are of greater importance than children’s needs because “older means wiser.” Where love is earned by doing certain things and being certain ways. I grew up conditioned to believe and embody all of this. 

And now I have my own strong-willed, beautiful child who expresses his needs and feelings in big, bold, and sometimes immature ways (he’s six years old, so immature makes sense). And I feel the instantaneous reaction that comes out of me, wanting to suppress him. To teach him to hide as I learned to hide. An immature and bitter part of me even wants to blame my childhood on him and bring him down with me, thinking, “It’s not fair. I had to learn to be quiet so you should too.”

The more honest I get about this pattern that I learned to belong to, the more grief I feel. For me. For us. For all the children who must sacrifice their needs and longings in exchange for connection and belonging.

As children, we were taught to be peacekeepers and people-pleasers and underneath was just a deep longing to be seen and accepted just as we were. Wild and free humans with unique desires, longings, interests, curiosities, and ideas. Embracing this conscious parenting style doesn’t mean becoming “permissive”– it is actually quite the opposite.

It is a deeply intentional and mindful practice of really seeing your child for who they are and supporting them to develop their own intrinsic motivation, self-discipline, and respect for boundaries. All of these blossom naturally from a deep sense of security and connection that we have cultivated in our relationship with them instead of from a place of fear, control, and threat. 

Despite all of my philosophical integration, confidence, and growing wisdom, I still struggle to get out from under the patterns I was raised with. And this makes sense because growing happens at a really slow pace, inch by inch. And it can be so darn hard to find the patience and the self-compassion to nurture yourself on the difficult journey to change and transformation. There is a great quote by Carl Rogers that says, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself, just as I am, then I can change.” And it’s hard to accept yourself when no one has taught you how. 

After I yelled at my son, I looked at him. I saw the anger in his eyes and his readiness to retaliate and fight back. If I were completely stuck in the pattern with no awareness like I used to be, I might have entered a power struggle with him. A battle with no winners but lots of shame and guilt. Because of my slow and consistent growth, I could see the deeper layers present in the moment.

I could see his heart closed, wondering why the person he trusted most in this world just screamed at him. I could see him wondering how this person could teach and preach “kind communication” and yet not seemingly figure it out herself. I could see my own stress present on this day outside of this moment. I could see my responsibility. I could see that the trigger was just a mere detail in the big picture. I could see the richness of our connection.

After all, his little body grew inside of mine. I could see the mirror he was offering me, my own experience as a child reflecting at me through his eyes. Under it all, I could see his hurt and his yearning to be seen and recognized and to be loved. 

And then I softened. I breathed. With a hand on my heart and a hand on my belly, I stood there breathing, committed to regaining access to my center. I closed my eyes and looked inside myself for my own inner parent – the one I have been cultivating a relationship with. My inner parent reminded me of my values and intentions, and then I found my path to repair.

This journey of self-discovery in my parenting practice began at Jai Institute as I learned how to confront my patterns and develop skills for showing up in ways that are rooted in my values.  As I practice shifting out of these patterns in my parenting, repair is my saving grace. Repair helps my family unhook from challenging conflicts and turmoil, and it helps us find our way back home to love. 

“I am sorry,” I said. “It is never okay to be yelled at like that. I am stressed today, and it has nothing to do with you. I am practicing catching my nervous system getting triggered before I yell so that I can breathe and communicate better in the moment.” I told him, “When you hit your brother, it seemed you were trying to communicate something. I would love to know what that thing was so I can help you find other ways to communicate besides hitting. Do you know what you were needing at that moment?” 

He explained “My brother was mad at you and said he was going to go hit you. So, I hit him first to protect you. I didn’t want to see you get hurt.”

And at that moment, I could clearly see the separation between his behavior (hitting) and his beautiful intention (protecting me and wanting to help). And I realized something beautiful. The hitting is an unskillful expression of an attempt to act on his beautiful goodness. And I almost missed the goodness inside, assuming the hitting was all I needed to see or address.

The Jai Institute taught me how to look beneath the surface of the behavior, and it always leads to beautiful complexity. In our repair, I was able to see and love that beautiful goodness inside of him, and we playfully practiced some other ways to communicate if that situation should arise again. 

I cannot say for sure that I will never yell again if he hits his brother, but I can say that we will repair, find our way to love and practice again. For as long as it takes. 

This journey of healing while parenting is not easy, but it is changing the world, one inch at a time.

Meet Your Author, Marissa Goldenstein

Marissa Goldenstein, a Jai Certified Master Parent Coach, is devoted to guiding parents toward mindfulness and joy in their parenting journey. Marissa demonstrates a proven commitment to innovative education, having a history as a co-founder of a visionary elementary school that focused on cultivating changemakers through curiosity, connection, and community. Leveraging her MBA and an MA in Experimental Psychology, she seamlessly integrates both business and human development insights into her coaching practice. Beyond coaching, Marissa embraces mindfulness in her own parenting alongside her partner and their two sons, engaging in family dance parties and adventurous learning experiences whenever possible. http://marissagoldenstein.com