Tick Tock

As a parent, we all are acutely aware that time is our most precious resource. Every day it feels like things are speeding up one more notch and we are juggling yet another ball. We hurry everywhere. We relax less. We agonize what this time-crunch is doing to our kids. We worry that we are shortchanging them. None of us believe we’re spending enough time with our kids…

But there is good news. Recent research clearly reveals that mothers and fathers alike are doing a better job than they think, spending far more time with their families than did parents of earlier generations. For example, a 2010 University of California (San Diego) study reported that the amount of child care time spent by parents at all income levels has risen dramatically since the mid-1990s.

These finding should offer relief to all of us who feel guilty about spending enough time with our kids.

And yet are we really asking the right question?

Maybe the question isn’t really about the quantity of time we spend, but the quality of time.  

 
Meaningful time (or quality time) is time you spend fully focused on connecting with your child.

To ensure that the time we spend with our kids is of the highest-quality, we need to shift our mindset. We need to shift the feeling to I ‘must’ spend more time with my children to I ‘want to spend more time'. We need to move from feeling obliged to spend time with our kids (out of guilt) to a joyful desire to be with them.

Obligatory time is measured in “musts.” I must be with my child right now. I must do this because I’m a parent. I must fulfill my parenting obligations. By contrast, meaningful time is measured in “wants.” 

I want to listen to my child. I want to understand what my child is curious about, how he or she understands the world. I want to connect with my child. I want to discover and explore life with my child.

There are 5 important reasons to prioritize meaningful time with your child:

1. Kids crave connection. At any age, connection is like air for humans; we slowly die without it. Technology only mimics connection. Social networks, chatting, email, etc. are fine, but kids need to connect with you for love, for guidance, for true caring. Technological connections can’t stand in for real human relationships.

2. Meaningful time develops your emotional intelligence. Loosely defined as an “ability to identify, assess your own emotions and those of others”, your emotional intelligence has a significant impact on your child. Through you, they learn to deal with the entire spectrum of life’s emotional situations.

3.  Meaningful time develops your child’s emotional intelligence. If your child is ill equipped to identify, assess and handle his or her own emotions, let alone those of others, life will seem confusing and hard to navigate. They might suffer anxiety or fear or think themselves “weak” or “wrong” simply because they feel a certain way.

4. Meaningful time raises your child’s self-esteem. Parental connection is the cornerstone of childhood self-esteem. It helps build the expectation that a child will be accepted, loved, and valued by the adults in their lives, which then extends to peers and other important social connections.

But with all of our obligations in an increasingly distracting and demanding world, how can we make time for the quality connections we want to achieve with our kids? How can we go from just driving the kids back and forth to a soccer game to actually spending time with them while we’re at it?

1. Put down your cell phone. No, really. PUT IT DOWN. Be present. Don’t check emails or check your Facebook feed. Connecting with your child is your ONLY priority at that moment. Let your child feel your presence by giving them your full attention.

2. Let go of expectations. As parents, we tend to envision and design a day in our minds. But with kids, spontaneity is the name of the game. If you let go of how you think a day should go, you set your kids free. They don’t feel pressure to perform in a certain way (to please you) and they’re allowed to bring their own creativity to the day! This is when wonderful surprises and deep connections really emerge.

3. Keep it simple. Try not to pack your “quality time” with activity after activity. If you’re rushing from one “plan” to another, you’re just going places or doing things instead of being together. Plan activities that allow plenty of time for you and your child to connect.

4. Remember what’s important. The connection is more important than any activity you’ve planned or even something your child wants to do. Allow the whole time you’ve set aside to be about the connection, not the activities.

5. Slow down. Be aware of the emotional landscape. Ask your child about his or her feelings. Here is the moment where opportunity for the deepest, most meaningful connection lies. Slow down and allow your child to take his or her time explaining their emotions. And take your time listening. Give your full attention, your full understanding and your empathy with the emotion whether it be “happy” or “sad” or something else.

6. Be present and be quiet. You’d be surprised at the power of a parent’s silence. Children will open up and share into that silence. Be present. Be quiet. Listen. You might be amazed at what you learn!

7. Share your feelings and experiences. Your children are just as curious about you as you are about them. They want to know what you were like when you were their age, what you’ve been through, what you’ve done and how you got where you are. Share your triumphs and defeats. Sharing your own life lessons creates a rich landscape of learning and connection with your child.

8. Have fun. Parenting doesn’t always have to be so deadly serious. Be playful. Be silly. Have a good time with your child. Meaningful connections happen in these moments of abandon, when our guard is down, when we’re laughing.

And don’t forget to play!